I AM GRATEFUL..

I had already started this and left it in my drafts and then @KC_____ reqested it, so here we go..
  1. That even though I am still shattered and angry about losing my daughter, I had her for 27 years.
    And I wouldn't trade that for anything, even all this pain.
  2. That I have a wonderful man who loves me even when I feel unloveable (which is most of the time now).
    I'm not going to say it hasn't been and continues to be, HARD. My instinct is to push everyone away so that I don't have to work at anything except healing myself, but he reminds everyday, why I love him.
  3. That we are (at the moment) reasonably healthy.
    That sounds kinda lame but he was diagnosed with viral cardiomyopathy, two weeks before I lost my daughter and I had a melanoma removed six weeks after..so, yeah, we're a bit skeptical..
  4. That I have worked for the same dentist for over 25 years.
    And though the familiarity can sometimes exacerbate my anxiety, I have stability and a good deal of freedom to come and go if I need to.
  5. We own a home that we enjoy.
    It's a comfort..coming home to something that's yours.
  6. We get to travel.
    We had a European vacation planned last Fall, and cancelled it. Heading to Paris and Italy next month and it's our dream vacation.
  7. That we have a lot of friends who support and love us.
    I don't take this for granted. I have let go of a few who required more energy than I have to give, but those still standing are keepers.
  8. That my daughter and I had grown very close. We spoke nearly every day and I got to hear her voice that afternoon when I called to tell her to come home for a visit.
    Her teen years were rough. So having the relationship we'd built together was really special and important to both of us.
  9. She and her sister were working on their relationship.
    They hadn't spoken for awhile but thankfully mended things three months before❤️
  10. My other two adult children are healthy and working on careers that I hope will fulfill them.
  11. That even though I have had a great deal of anxiety since losing her, I have learned to manage it for the most part.
    I still need ambien to sleep, but gardening, cooking. reading and writing, help considerably.
  12. That a shoulder to cry on is merely a text/call away.
  13. That I am surrounded by things that remind me of her.
    Our antique tea cups we used, music, movies, my flower garden, everytime I cook, I wear some of her clothes, drink soy lattes, pictures everywhere..
  14. There is a single butterfly that hangs around and it brings me peace.
  15. That I am still capable of feeling joy.
    I didn't think this was possible when your heart was broken but it is! Our friends having babies, reveling in the accomplishments of my other children. This has been a pleasant surprise.
  16. For my sister.
    Beyond grateful💕
  17. ***UPDATE***
  18. This li.st is, to the day, 11 months old. I hadn't read it since the day it was written, but today, it popped up in my feed bc my lovely @angela3950, commented on it.
    She was searching for a Grateful Dead li.st, but ran across this instead😉
  19. It's actually ironic, bc just yesterday I had a 'gratitude' meltdown, of sorts. Or more appropriately, INgratitude.
  20. This was recently given to me by a friend.
    Not in a, 'here, you really should work on this', but in an, 'I love you, see if this helps' sort of way. The best way.
  21. I've written in it several times and it's a good reminder, but yesterday..yesterday I wrote across the front of the page, 'I'M GRATEFUL FOR NOTHING'!!!! And then I underlined it a few times, just so the universe knew I wasn't messing around.
    So, when this showed up in my feed this morning, needless to say, I was 😳😳😳
  22. I decided to immediately write something positive for today's entry and also, add to this!
    Here goes..
  23. For my friends and family, and the man I love, to continue to hold me up and keep me sane.
    It's not an easy job for anyone, but they don't complain, at least not to me♥️
  24. That my kids are each immersed in their new endeavors and seem to be very happy doing what they're doing.
    <sigh of relief>
  25. For my beautiful garden!
    It's my therapy. One of them, anyway.
  26. That even though my kitty cat is a brat and she barely acknowledges my existence on most days, she will occasionally sit next to me, let me rub her, and purr.
    It doesn't last long, but I'll take it.
  27. That the motivation to get back into fitness, is peeping it's head out of the darkness.
    Two years of not having enough energy or the resources to care, so I'm very grateful for this.
  28. That we were able to take that trip to Paris and Italy last year and it was AMAZING!
  29. That I will be able to spend some time with the kids in their new cities!!
    New York and Houston!!
  30. There are a few other things I won't bore you with, but I do, even given my circumstances, have things to be grateful for and it's kind of a big deal, this gratitude thing. I haven't felt any trust in the universe since my loss, and getting it back is HARD, but I don't like the alternative, and the opposite of gratitude, seems to be bitterness..
    And no one wants to live in that house.
  31. I'm also very grateful for all of you here in li.stland, who have supported, encouraged and cyber-hugged me this past year! THANK YOU♥️♥️♥️