THE DOMINO EFFECT

Hoping that throwing this into the listiverse will unburden my soul, which is where my li.st roots lie.
  1. I wasn't sure how to title this. I thought of adding to ⤵️ li.st..but that is only a piece of the puzzle.
  2. There has been an inordinate amount of stress these past few months, in general. Dates. Several. And some very personal things as well. Things I don't really want to talk about, but are related to my loss.
  3. That's not the point of my writing today, it's more about the accumulation. The domino effect, so to speak.
  4. "The domino effect is the repercussion of an act or event under which every associated or connected entity is affected to a more or less the same degree".
    (The Business Dictionary's definition)
  5. It's fascinating how we can be triggered by one thing that can in turn, affect another, and so on..
    Fascinating, in sometimes a good way and other times, not so much.
  6. And at times, the accumulation of stress can trigger the whole wall to come tumbling down.
    That's what this li.st is really about.
  7. This week, on top of the aforementioned, already existent stress, a few things happened that caused the dominos to fall.
  8. My children, as we speak, are driving to their new, temporary destinations, hauling trailers with all their belongings.
    My son is moving to Houston for school (he's an hour and a half away from me rn), and my daughter took an internship with PepsiCo, and is moving from Portland (an hour and a half flight from me) to New York for a year!
  9. Don't get me wrong, I am very excited (and proud!) of them! They are "adulting" in the best possible way, by being adventurous and taking on new journeys in their young lives..but, the distance is greater, and for that, I'm momentarily sad.
    Losing a child makes you cling much tighter to what you have left and this isn't a good thing. I try very hard to keep that to myself, but the anxiety can be overwhelming.
  10. Which brings me to..holding things in.
    I don't often let my kids see my sadness/heartbreak. It's not necessary. There are times it's unavoidable, obviously, but I have other people for my meltdowns.
  11. Which leads to this..
    My boyfriend never knows what he's going to come home to. Will I be okay? Will I be angry? Will I be emotionless? Did someone/something trigger me at work and leave me in a crying heap on the couch? He never knows. Two years of never knowing.
  12. And it's really hard. On both of us.
    It's my loss, but he's in this too.
  13. He also has his own stress. He runs a small business (in the state of California🙄) and he has a heart condition he acquired from a virus. He also happens to be in business with his narcissistic father.
    Some days, it's too much.
  14. But what happens, is that no matter how stressful his day is, how many customers are complaining, how many reps he had to deal with, what's now broken and needs to be fixed, which employee did what, MY STRESS ALWAYS TRUMPS HIS.
    And he knows this. And he gets it. And believe me, this is something you never want to "win" but it's our reality.
  15. So, when we're both having a rough week, it's impossible not to fall down. Or in this case, come crashing down.
    And unless you're communicating perfectly (does that even exist?!), you don't always know what the other is carrying on any given day/week..
  16. So, when he has a (unbeknownst to me) conversation with an old friend who lost their only child six years ago and she tells him she doesn't feel any better, he projected.
  17. Add to that a close friend of his, dropping dead from a heart attack two weeks ago.
    No one saw it coming. And I know he's been thinking, "this could be me".
  18. The ugly scene is, a man who just had dinner with his friends' son and also the conversation with the grieving mother..
  19. And a woman who is dealing with saying goodbye to her kids, and a few other things related to her loss.
  20. Add lack of sleep on both sides. And no communication about it bc we're both too wrapped up in our own pain.
  21. (I'm not trying to be depressing, I really just needed to write. I don't think when I write, I just write).
  22. I'll spare you the details of the crash, but when all the pieces were on the ground, and the emotions were raw, the conversation flowed..
  23. We dealt with his fear of me still being a wreck six years from now.
    Kyle was an only child. I don't even know how they're still standing bc frankly, idk if I would. But I have two children left on this earth that I love more than anything that would allow me to lose sight of that. He needed to hear those words~it's going to get better, not worse.
  24. We talked about his fear relating to his own health.
    Sometimes, just talking about it out loud, is helpful.
  25. I cried about my kids leaving.
    I'm actually still crying.
  26. Britt's snap as she's driving through Nebraska!!
  27. Cody⤵️
  28. 😭😭😭😭😭😭
    But also, ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️
  29. Arrggghhhhh, life is HARD😫
  30. But, I'm grateful for the fall bc it's allowed us to pick ourselves up and start over. It all sounds kind of dramatic, and I don't mean it to be..we are fine. I just wanted to share and I now realize this was sort of rambling but I wrote it and I'm gonna hit "publish" and if you made it this far then, I LOVE YOU♥️😂
  31. TGIF, listland😘