MY WIFE CHRISTINE IS BACK HOME! AND SHE HAS A FANCY NEW CAR!

  1. I woke up this morning to the greatest gift of all: my wife, Christine, back from her kidnapping ordeal!
  2. She told me that she was taken by some bad guys, but managed to get away because she loves me so much!
  3. She managed to snag a car from the guys who kidnapped her. A brand new Range Rover! I told her to consider that her Christmas gift, since I just spent 75 thousand dollars trying to get her free!
  4. The kids are overjoyed! Michelle even called to apologize to me, saying "I guess you aren't the gigantic piece of S- that I always thought you were."
  5. On a weird note, I don't seem to have gotten any mail throughout this entire ordeal. Any other Kansas City folks experience that?
  6. I'm so happy to have my wife home! Life can finally go back to normal.