WHAT I MISS MOST ABOUT LIFE OUTSIDE OF PRISON

I've been in jail for nearly 48 hours now. Boy howdy do I sure miss my life before all this happened.
  1. No Thursday Night Football
    Sure, they let us watch the Sunday and Monday games, but it just doesn't feel like Thursday night without NFL network.
  2. My kids, no matter what they said about me this morning on "Good Morning America."
    Kids, we have that show in here. Please don't refer to me as "double-Hitler" or "a s- covered f- stick." The other inmates heard what you called me and now those are my nicknames!
  3. Eating a meal without finding band aids in it!
    I don't know where these band aids keep coming from, but I can hardly take a bite of my baked potato or Chicken a la Steve without finding a band aid in there.
  4. My wife, Christine
    No matter what the police, the courts, that bounty hunter, the media, my kids or anyone else says, I know Christine is out there. I'll rescue you, honey!
  5. Being able to poop without another man making direct eye contact the entire time.
    My cell mate Kyle is a nice enough fella, but he has a bad habit of always being around when I need to BM!