1. Subtly pitting them against each other
    And keeping running mental stats
  2. Shit names
    "Condor" or like, "Halberd"
  3. Always taking too long making dinner
    Shaving half hours off their life every night
  4. Shit vacations
    I'm bad enough at planning dates. I'll take my kids to trainyards and closed beaches and they'll learn to hate.
  5. Burying my emotions
    My poker face will stunt my darlings!!
  6. Criticizing their friends
    "Trade up!" I'll say, "Leverage Josh into someone cooler and more emotionally available!"
  7. Terrible haircuts
    Pageboys till age 15