WAYS I'M WORRIED I'LL RUIN MY KIDS
- •Subtly pitting them against each otherAnd keeping running mental stats
- •Shit names"Condor" or like, "Halberd"
- •Always taking too long making dinnerShaving half hours off their life every night
- •Shit vacationsI'm bad enough at planning dates. I'll take my kids to trainyards and closed beaches and they'll learn to hate.
- •Burying my emotionsMy poker face will stunt my darlings!!
- •Criticizing their friends"Trade up!" I'll say, "Leverage Josh into someone cooler and more emotionally available!"
- •Terrible haircutsPageboys till age 15