Requested by Josh

ONION HEADLINES WE CAME UP WITH

Your turn @JoshThames. @james77 get in on this, too.
  1. Fall Display Pumpkin Resents Always Having to Sit Next to the Gourds
    With a waist like that you know it never eats.
  2. Area Man Really Looking Forward to the Start of the New Murder Season
    "Last year we fell just short of Memphis in total murders, but we really went up in rapes so I think we're at least headed in the right direction."
  3. Maybe If You Take the Batteries Out & Shake Them They'll Work Again
    Or have you tried switching them around?
  4. Report: That Thing Didn't Look Like That When You Left This Morning
    Did you forget to lock the deadbolt?
  5. Do You Want the Last Roll?
    Just take it. She'll bring more.
  6. Old Stain to be Played Off as New Stain
    The rest of the shirt looks good and there's no sense in changing now. Just say it's from lunch.
  7. World-renown scientist totally can't think of that word... Hold up.
    Suggested by   @JoshThames
  8. New study shows that everyone is happy but you.
    Suggested by   @JoshThames