FRUITS

  1. Apple
    An apple is a fresh crunchy fruit that everyone likes.
  2. Grape
    Grapes are apples for when you're on the go
  3. Plum
    A plum is an apple for when your gums are feeling sensitive.
  4. Pineapple
    pineapple is like an apples funky aunt
  5. Mango
    Mangoes are like if apples went on a tropical vacation and decided that the island lifestyle suited them well.
  6. Tomato (????)
    Tomatoes are like if apples were vegetables. But then we're still classified as a fruit for some reason.
  7. Orange
    An orange is not like an apple at all. Honestly I shouldn't be comparing them because where an apple has delicious skin, orange skin is disgusting. Oranges are too much work, eat an apple instead
  8. Peach
    A peach is like a mango and an apple had a torrid sexy love affair. You can read all about it in my book, The Lovers Orchard
  9. Pink lady Apple
    This is a special sexy type of apple that makes you think of pink ladies while you eat it
  10. Grapefruit
    Like oranges, grapefruit are bad and not apples at all. But sometimes you can use that rage to slice the motherfucker in half and carve out its insides for brunch.
  11. Asian pear
    This is just what they call apples in asia
  12. Crab apple
    This is small tart apple that is best suited for jellies or jams
  13. Kumquat
    Tiny bullshit sex orange
  14. Raspberry
    Raspberries are like apples for millionaires
  15. Blueberry
    Blueberries are like if some fuckin moron tried to describe an apple to you and they were like "uh durhh it's blue and small and there are a million of them and they're from Maine"
  16. Strawbery
    People only like this fruit because hot girls like it but anyone can tell you that it's not even that good or similar to an apple at all
  17. Currant
    This is maybe like a dried grape so it's good? Not sure on this one actually, gonna take a pass
  18. Watermelon
    A watermelon is like an enormous big juicy apple that you can enjoy throughout the summer when apples aren't in season
  19. Cantaloupe
    No one cares about this fruit
  20. Banana
    A banana is apples best friend