THE MOST AMAZING/TERRIBLE/AMAZING THINGS ABOUT "JUPITER ASCENDING"

  1. Mila Kunis is an illegal Russian immigrant, with the authentic Russian immigrant name of Jupiter Jones
  2. She cleans toilets all day long in flawless eye-makeup with her mom played by Catherine of Aragon from The Tudors
  3. Channing Tatum plays a dog-person with pointy ears and flying roller blades
  4. Sean Bean plays a bee-person which basically means he's a person who has a bunch of bees near his house and sometimes his eyes flash yellow
  5. Mila Kunis is the genetic reincarnation of the empress of the galaxy and we never find out how or why, we just need to accept it
  6. One of her(?) sons wants to marry her to inherit earth and convinces her that getting married is the only conceivable way that could be arranged
  7. The other son wants to kill her and he's Eddie Redmayne and gloriously whispering every line inaudibly like a shiny, sequined-cape-wearing Voldemort impersonator
  8. Their sister is just there for exposition and to show full frontal to a strange chick who looks just like her mom
  9. Weird elephant guy we only see once
  10. It's never clear where anything takes place. Just... A planet. In space. And then I think Jupiter? And then earth again.
  11. Mila Kunis owns earth at the end but still cleaning toilets, except now she's happy about it.
  12. Her entire dirt-poor family pitches in their savings to buy her a telescope even though she owns the earth (just never saying or doing anything about it)
  13. Dog-man Tatum gets WINGS FOR HELPING MILA KUNIS LIKE HE'S FROM "IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE"