1. I have too many gray hairs to be this confused.
  2. How short does this skirt have to be to hide my laugh lines?
  3. I feel like a drink, but there's leftover frosting in the fridge so I should be fine.
  4. I'm always just a few seconds from peeing in my pants a little.
  5. Why did anyone think it was okay for me to drink when I was 21??
  6. It seems like my neck used to go further to the right before it hurt. Wait. It never used to hurt.
  7. Peeing in my pants a little bit.
  8. I really wanted to believe I thought I'd be dead by now.
  9. How much do Spanx cost?
  10. Shit. My mom was right. About everything.
  11. I should think about going to the dentist.
  12. Crossing my legs when I cough, sneeze or laugh. No one mentioned that part about being an adult.
  13. Wrinkles with acne. WTF
  14. Yeah, my stomach's a little soft. What am I supposed to do, push ups?
  15. Oh my god, this is just how I feel all the time now.
  16. I think people are ready to stop asking if I'll have kids and just quietly feel bad for me instead.
  17. I guess I'm in love now, because he found me at my peak.
  18. I'm ready to buy 14 of one shirt and three of the same pair of jeans and just call it a day.
  19. Every mole could be cancer. This is probably cancer.
  20. To be honest, I wish they didn't come out with new iPhones *quite* so fast.
  21. I have two full spare sets of sheets, just for visitors.
  22. I could be a grandmother if I were very slutty and a bad mother, or lived in a different country.
  23. Why is there no support group for being 30?
  24. I sleep with the restlessness of a new mom, except I have no one to care for.
  25. The guy at the wine store yesterday had never heard of NA wine, and I was like, I think I'm trying to have the wrong kind of party.
  26. I saw a YouTube star on TV the other day, and I didn't understand a word she said. (Also, when I was her age, YouTube wasn't a thing.)
  27. I say things like "when I was her age..." as if no one has ever aged before.
  28. Is this what a heart attack feels like? Am I having a heart attack?! No, just a burp... it's always a burp.
  29. Someone should probably fire me. I can't possibly be doing this job right.
  30. There is no way any of the women around me know how to take care of these children.