TIPS FOR RUNNING

As a mediocre ex-D3 runner, I've spent far too much of my life out of breath and sweaty. Here are my tips.
  1. Running sucks
    There's no way around this. Sorry.
  2. It will suck a little less if you run a little more every day
    But then you're doing it for longer, so it's still the same amount of suck on average
  3. There are no shortcuts
    Well, technically you could take Fulton back home instead of winding through the park and shave off a half mile, so I guess there are shortcuts after all.
  4. Fine, there are shortcuts
    But most of the time they pull double duty as shortcuts to feeling bad about yourself
  5. If you wanna smoke a little pot before you run, no one's gonna stop you!
    A problem with being high is that you're worried everyone knows, but no one will suspect it if you're running! It's the perfect disguise.
  6. Marathons are garbage
    But you can get a lot of likes on facebook, so maybe they're worth it?
  7. A lot of people will tell you humans evolved to run barefoot
    When someone wearing those dumb toe shoes beats me in a race, we can talk. Until then, you look dumb as hell and you'll probably get injured if you run too many miles.
  8. If you get good enough at running, it becomes a relaxing, meditative experience. When you lace up your shoes, the rest of the world just slips away. It's just you and the pavement.
    Just kidding! I've been running for 12 years and it hasn't stopped sucking even once!
  9. There's always someone faster