Add yours!
  1. My dentist wants me to sleep with a mouth guard.
    So now I'm going to be a dude who sleeps with a mouth guard, maybe? Good thing I am already married.
  2. That no-account @jaketapper has more followers than me on List App.
    He is also hosting a presidential debate. (Which he will ace.) But somehow I am even more jealous of his List App dominance.
  3. I just recently started watching Arrested Development.
    My wife had been telling me for years that I would love it. Per usual, I didn't listen. What a moron. My face flushes when I consider all the time I have been missing out on the Chicken Dance.
  4. I ate so many cookies last Sunday that I was sick for pretty much two days.
    I will probably do it again.
  5. I spilled a mug filled with water on the set of Good Morning America, while we were on the air.
    George Stephanopoulos looked at me like I was a crazy person.
  6. I told our nanny that I would give her $100 if out baby's first word is "dada."
    7aff843c b0ac 4b2d 9e58 a82abe9dee96
    So far, all he does is laugh, cry, babble, and shit his pants.