(MILD TO MODERATELY) EMBARRASSING THINGS
- •My dentist wants me to sleep with a mouth guard.So now I'm going to be a dude who sleeps with a mouth guard, maybe? Good thing I am already married.
- •That no-account @jaketapper has more followers than me on List App.He is also hosting a presidential debate. (Which he will ace.) But somehow I am even more jealous of his List App dominance.
- •I just recently started watching Arrested Development.My wife had been telling me for years that I would love it. Per usual, I didn't listen. What a moron. My face flushes when I consider all the time I have been missing out on the Chicken Dance.
- •I ate so many cookies last Sunday that I was sick for pretty much two days.I will probably do it again.
- •I spilled a mug filled with water on the set of Good Morning America, while we were on the air.George Stephanopoulos looked at me like I was a crazy person.
- •I told our nanny that I would give her $100 if out baby's first word is "dada."So far, all he does is laugh, cry, babble, and shit his pants.