1. Reality Show Transcriber
    Basically I would watch reality tv all day and transcribe the words these women, men, and bags of mayonnaise happen to string together to form a sentence. I would imagine myself in wearing a smoking jacket and boxer briefs for this job because I would either work at home or in the etsy headquarters.
  2. Confidence Guy*
    I would tell insecure pseudo-famous people that they're pretty every 15 mins (or more frequently, for an added charge). Although I would have to wear real clothes I would potentially get to carry a puppy all day and also see the inside of a private jet (fingers crossed!). *Title subject to change
  3. Receptionist at a dog groomer
    Self explanatory, but just in case: I would see dog makeovers (or make-unders) on the reg and I'm sure I could find someone to gossip with about the patrons. I've been told I bring that out in people.
  4. Sommelier at a trailer park
    I would drink wine ALL day and tell hillbillies what $4 wine goes best with turtle stew. Spoiler alert: none of them.
  5. Personal assistant to the only child of a rich family where the mother doesn't work but is "focusing on herself"
    I think this could be how I find love (with another manny/personal assistant or a rich man thinks I'm cute and asks me to either travel the world with him or send him my underwear for money- either of which I would be willing to do.)
  6. Dream interpreter
    To take a page out of Freud's book, everything is a penis and you love your mom in a non-familial way.