PEOPLE IM TRYING TO GET TO FALL IN LOVE WITH ME

  1. Pretty blonde clique.
    2 of them are pretty and stupid the 3rd is punk and scary. I spent a semester wanting to be friends with these weirdos. I'm gonna wear a low-cut top to our final to see where we all stand after 15 weeks together.
  2. Old Indian lady who runs the campus liquor store
    I just want them to stop charging me $1 for using a credit card! It's the fucking future, stop punishing me for not carrying dirty paper! I'm not a stripper!
  3. Hip girl from high school who only shops at Anthropologie
    Her instagrams are cool and she has a cool boyfriend! I also want her to buy me candles because I'm convinced she has a discount.
  4. Warby Parker
    I don't know who he is but I think he's rich and I'm willing.
  5. Jeni Britton Bauer
    She built an ice cream empire. It's amazing and she's (probably) delightful. The ice cream is also $10 a pint so I'm not saying I'd be angry to get some free samples.