*Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Theme Song*
  1. I like a clean kitchen more than I like being petty.
    We don't have a dishwasher. I will wash all of the dishes in the kitchen sink as long as it means I don't have to look at them anymore.
  2. An eye for fashion.
    Whenever we go out my room is open. Not only does it take a fraction of the time for me to get ready, but I'll always be blunt when I tell you you look like shit. I was voted best dressed TWICE last year so I come with clout.
  3. I'll be your boyfriend so your parents think you have a husband.
    I've done this twice for my roommates. I have lofty professional aspirations which means I'm impressive to parents and I'm also a white man. I've said enough.
  4. I'm ALWAYS a good time.
    When we threw a party here, I made Jell-O shots and told everyone they had cough syrup in them. There was no cough syrup but people acted like there was.
  5. I have a poor sense of what it means to be "financially responsible."
    Our apartment is impeccably decorated even if my wallet is empty.
  6. I'll gossip with you.
    I think this is the genetic part of being gay. Because I don't care who you want to shit on, I'll be right there, brushing your hair, as we talk about "that girl with big boobs."
  7. I have an eye for men.
    I'm a fountain of youth/advice.