THE ONLY WAYS TO COMFORT SOMEONE AFTER A BREAKUP

  1. Buy them pizza
    Works best if you have their ex's credit card information because the thing that matters is that they will get pizza and their ex will know they got pizza. This might be petty theft but I can guarantee you Judge Judy would understand.
  2. Ice cream
    Ben and Jerry's ice cream to be specific. It's been known to cure broken hearts and I've even heard that after all of their presidential debates, Obama and Romney would share a bowl (of ice cream) in order to remain gal pals.
  3. Look at pictures of young Leo
    Leonardo DiCaprio that is! Studies have shown that looking at pics of young Leo can induce a euphoria that is similar to when I drank a strawberry milkshake in my first airport stateside after spending a month in India (self described as my only religious experience)
  4. 'Beauty School Drop Out' on repeat
    This requires a little bit of role playing, but you need to convince your friend that they are Frankie Avalon crushing the dreams of Frenchy (their new ex). To be fair I've only tried this technique once to mixed results, but I have faith that it can work.
  5. Take them to the zoo
    I love the zoo so much that I will use any excuse to go. Nobody can be sad when looking at an elephant or a polar bear.
  6. Burn photos of their ex
    People still have photos and even if they don't have photos burn old newspapers or something. Arson is thrilling and can provide momentary relief, and I totally understand why kid brother from 'My Sister's Keeper' lit fires for attention.