THINGS I WILL BE REINCARNATED AS IF I AM A SLIGHTLY GOOD PERSON IN THIS LIFE

  1. Rich person's dog.
  2. Person who doesn't get cavities.
  3. Guy who figured out his career path in high school.
  4. One of the bigger, better looking pigeons. Like one with a consistently green head. Never on the sidelines of the discarded bagel, front and center. I am used in commercials when the script calls for a pigeon.
  5. A guy who can pull off hats. Who was I so shitty to in a past life that now I can't look good in a baseball cap?
  6. Just a dude who speaks another language.
  7. Kid who is being forced to take piano lessons and hates it, but will then be good at piano and has one shining moment at a party where he plays piano and people are into it. Like it only has to payoff once.
  8. Person with an alliterative name because I think it's cool and sounds like a super hero's alter ego.
  9. Some endangered animal there's only like one left of and everyone brings me nice food and wants me to do well out of guilt over basically ruining my species.
  10. Owner of apartment with sunken living room.
  11. Man who discovers new species of frog and names it after himself. This man is then a terrible person and when he dies he is reincarnated as one of the frogs.
  12. Person who has an uncle who wrote on a popular tv show and knows a lot of people in the industry. Never helps me actually get a job doing anything, but I keep it in the back of my head like, "maybe uncle Dave could pull some strings." I use this connection to get a few dates.