I freelance contribute for Weekend Update. Here is what they freelance reject.
  1. A man in Pennsylvania proposed to his girlfriend by putting together a Lego Star Destroyer from Star Wars and putting a ring inside of it. The girlfriend responded by saying nothing, because she doesn’t exist.
  2. A new pool has opened in Italy, which is the deepest in the world, going down nearly 140 feet. Said the ocean, “Not impressed.”
  3. A new report shows that life expectancy for American babies born in 2012 has reached a record high of 78 years. Which is really, really old for a baby.
  4. Pizza Hut is hoping to improve sales by offering 10 new crust flavors and 6 sauce flavors. They hope to one day make their food taste more like pizza and less like things you would use to build a hut.
  5. A Brooklyn man has announced plans to rent out his two-story tree house in his backyard on AirBnB. The only guest criteria is: NO GIRLS ALLOWED.
  6. A new report shows that over the past year the percent of teenagers using Facebook has dropped from 72 to 45 percent. The only explanation of course is that Facebook is killing teenagers.
  7. George W. Bush has released a new book called “41,” which he calls a “love letter to his father. It’s a response to a letter his dad once wrote to him called “zero.”
  8. A Texas woman has undergone surgery to reduce the size of her 36NNN breasts to double-D cups. Texas: where even after a massive reduction, everything is still bigger.
  9. A growing number of sororities around the country are hoping to minimize incidents of sexual assault by having parties in Sorority Houses rather than Frat houses. Because it’s always safer to invite a potential assaulter into your own home, and also buy him beer.
  10. Actor Peter Mayhew, who played Chewbacca in the Star Wars movies, is recovering after being treated in the hospital for pneumonia. It seems that after years of wearing layers of fur, his body did not learn to keep warm on its own.
  11. An inventor in California has created a working version of the hover board from Back to the Future 2. Because yeah, if there was one useful invention from that movie we should have been working on, it was the hover board.
  12. The web domain “.nyc” this week became available to residents of New York City, finally freeing up many .com web domains for people in the city of Compton.