I freelance contribute to Weekend Update. Here are even more rejections.
  1. An intruder scaled the White House fence and got all the way to the East Room of the mansion before being stopped. Members of congress were shocked, saying it's amazing that anyone could get that far into the White House without winning the single mom Latina vote.
  2. Samsung announced that it will add safeguards to its latest smartphones in an effort to cut down on cell theft. Each phone will now include a big sticker that says "This is a Blackberry"
  3. Doctors in England say that a 7 year old boy has an allergy to his own hair. "Yeah me too" said every bald man ever.
  4. A new study finds that people drink more alcohol on days when they exercise. So if you're drinking, know that you're just doing what any healthy person would do.
  5. Students at a school in Georgia missed class after a thief stole the battery from a school bus. Unfortunately, it was the class where you take a potato and learn to turn it into a battery.
  6. A new report reveals that Boulder, Colorado has the lowest obesity rate in the country. This caused five new Taco Bell restaurants to open in Boulder saying "Challenge accepted!"
  7. Authorities in Canada say that a house fire was started by a dog chewing on a box of matches. Which seems innocent enough, had the dog not suspiciously raised his insurance policy a week before the fire happened.
  8. This Saturday is the New York Cannibus parade. The only parade where 100% of the participants are expected to not show up at all.
  9. An Arizona company has announced plans for a powdered alcohol. And it's called cocaine.
  10. A woman in Maryland suffered minor injuries after a security guard at a local McDonald’s accidentally shot her. While still very painful, getting shot is the least harmful thing that can happen to your body when you visit a McDonalds.
  11. NBC launched a new campaign to find the next big sitcom by allowing anyone to pitch their ideas to the network. So far the top pitch is "DO SEINFELD AGAIN!!"
  12. A Brooklyn man was arrested for robbing a car after police followed his footprints in the snow. That night there became only one set of footprints. That was when the cop carried the man. Carried him to jail.