Blunders in the Morning

...or late afternoon, because I sleep late (or as I like to say, I "sleep different"). Blame grogginess, clumsiness, or being a hurried mess—these are errors I have once or repeatedly committed soon after waking up.
  1. Swiping my phone to turn an alarm off when it was actually an incoming call.
    I tend to verbally abuse my alarms. Telling my boss to fuck off for another 20 minutes didn't help the vibe at work that night.
  2. Starting the coffee maker without coffee grounds.
    Hot water, stained brown, is no substitute for the real thing.
  3. Filling the coffee pot with water and then placing it on the hot plate before pouring said water.
    It's amazing how many times I've done this and how each time it takes longer to realize the mistake.
  4. Starting the coffee maker with no water, period.
    Mr. Coffee recently posted himself in a Craigslist ad looking for a new home.
  5. Close shaves.
    As in too close. There's usually only one, but it's always the size of that red spot on Jupiter and no matter what, I won't stop rubbing at it thinking that will help it disappear.
  6. Unplanned length of bowel movements.
    Both in size and duration.
  7. Stubbed toes.
    The only upside of these is they are followed by a chain of highly offensive, yet beautifully creative words that would have laid dormant had I not smashed up a foot digit.
  8. Forgetting something inside after I leave.
    Sometime in high school, I began building a minute or two into my morning timeline to account for this phenomenon. Leaving your place without chapstick or a belt guarantees a day of self-loathing.
  9. Getting a terrible song stuck in my head.
    Groggy mornings are the time when our brains latch out for audio samples to play on repeat throughout the remainder of the day. I refuse the radio or anything on shuffle in the morning so there is less chance a 90s boy band hit will hunt me down.
  10. Thinking I'm late for work when it's my day off.
    I once got as far as the third dial tone on a call to tell work I'd be an hour late before I realized I wasn't even on the schedule.
  11. A dream psyches me out and makes me late.
    Between snooze-sessions with my alarm, I will have dreams where I'm getting up, getting dressed, fucking up my coffee, and arriving at work. This lowers my defenses (since I'm really still in bed) and makes getting up the furthest thing from my mind, when it's actually the one thing I'm supposed to be doing. The worst part is when you do get up and go to work, it's like a twisted Double Mint Gum commercial because your mind has already done this all this shit once.
  12. Getting up too early.
    This might sound counterintuitive, but I've found for whatever reason the earlier I get up, the more rushed I am to get out the door. I get lulled into a false sense of having-more-than-enough-time security. Staying in bed until the last possible minute is actually safer. I get the maximum rest and am more motivated to get ready. I sleep different, okay?