I'M REMEMBERING WHEN

  1. We spent the summer drinking energy drinks even though we knew they were terrible for us. We were working with Kindergarteners, so we needed them, and we loved how they made us feel kind of high. We were 17.
  2. Your house was instantly one of my favorite places on earth, with the multi-colored plastic owl string lights and the swing on the porch where we would smoke weed and drink sweet white wine and laugh till we couldn't breathe, talking in funny voices about boys and our coworkers, especially our coworkers who were boys.
  3. We were always late to camp.
  4. We were always the last ones in the lake for swim.
  5. We took the campers/kids/kiddos/homies/babies out in canoes and rowed them to the patch of blueberry bushes where they picked blueberries and fought with each other and asked us questions about literally every single thing.
  6. Your parents were out of town and after camp one week we threw that small party where you didn't think you did the pregnancy test correctly when it said you weren't pregnant, I assured you that you were being paranoid probably and someone stained your kitchen table.
  7. Who was there? I remember walking down to the river and skinny dipping. I didn't wear shoes and wrecked my feet walking on the rocks.
  8. Stealing freeze pops and granola bars from the camp kitchen, "eating our way up to minimum wage."
  9. I had the worst time with Danny that summer, and you were so helpful, like when we would sit in the art cabin collaging with the wallpaper book we found, and later stole, and I would tell you about how I would start fights with him about nothing, I would fight with him just to feel something, and you understood that.
  10. If someone told me then that one day he and I would still be friends and you and I would not be, I would have never believed it in a million years. I would have laughed.
  11. Remember the time we were watching the horrible production of Schoolhouse Rock and I literally fell out of a window that I was leaning against, the glass shattered and I went with it? Of course you do. We laughed for days about it.
  12. I don't know if I'll ever forget the day we learned that you had, in fact, taken the pregnancy test incorrectly. It was Disney theme day. We started the day with a neon blue energy drink at 8am.
  13. The image of you coming toward me from the bathroom: wearing massive sunglasses and a black hoodie over your Cinderella dress.
  14. You could only explain a little about what had happened, how you knew what had happened because of what you saw, what it felt like in your body. You used the word miscarriage. I didn't know what to say. I was dressed as Aladdin.
  15. At the lake that afternoon you held one of the babies in your arms, sitting on the sand. It might have been Kelsey, she wanted to braid you hair. I looked at you holding her and my mind spun. You were so brave. I don't know if I knew how to tell you that then. I don't know if I'd even realized how brave you actually were, not till just now.
  16. I'm remembering laying in bed taking turns passing David Sedaris back and forth, reading it out loud, high, laughing like little demons, whoever wasn't reading had to tickle the other's back.
  17. I'm sorry I sent you that passive aggressive text last month, and that I didn't tell you I was coming home till I was already home, and not in the fun "Surprise!!!!" way.
  18. I just don't know where it is you've kept disappearing to again and again and again these past years. It's exhausting.
  19. And I don't know how it is you don't understand that things have changed in all that time that you were gone.
  20. How maybe I changed and didn't know how to show you that. How I had to make room.
  21. How enraging it is that you would presume that time would stand still for you. (And in some ways, how I wish that it had)
  22. But anyways, I was just remembering that.