TIMES I WAS LIKE A MAD DAD

  1. Today, when I was watching Suffragette at the Americana.
  2. To be more specific, today, when I was watching Suffragette at the Americana, a movie I have been waiting to see since the trailer came out (SEE LIST: TIMES I HAVE WANTED A BOYFRIEND IN THE LAST 24 HRS, from 23 weeks ago) and a group of about six teens walked in late, talking loudly, getting in and out of their seats, laughing.
  3. In my head I was like oh my God I came here at long last to watch this female-led historical drama in mother fucking peace I feel very mad, like a dad!! But I was like ok I'm not that mad of a dad I am a reasonable dad I'll let them settle in.
  4. They did not settle in.
  5. So I tried some light shushing, to no avail: Talk talk talk, laughing at very sad images of women in pain (!!!), in the seats, out of the seats, dropping coins, picking up coins...
  6. I turned around and said very sternly: "This is crazy. Shut it down."
    Like a dad.
  7. They did not shut it down.
  8. The movie kept getting sadder and I kept trying to cry it out for these women who just wanted to vote and Carey Mulligan fucking BUH-RINGING IT on the screen like a boss but the teens would not relent!!!!! I felt white hot rage in my belly and I turned around, in full mad dad mode and I was like:
  9. ALRIGHT!!
  10. HERE'S HOW THIS IS GOING TO GO. YOU HAVE TWO OPTIONS: YOU CAN QUIET YOURSELVES, OR I WILL GET MANAGEMENT TO ESCORT YOU OUT!!
  11. SHUT.
  12. THE FUCK.
  13. UP!!
  14. Surprisingly they did not take option one and continued to have literally no chill. And so up I got, storming past them.
  15. Luckily there was a man in all black with a dustpan and an earpiece right outside the door and, exasperated, I was like Please! Please sir! I need help! There are these teens! They are very rowdy and I am exhausted from trying to get them to be quiet!! This movie is very sad and they are very loud and bad!!!
  16. And he was like ??? but then, all the teens filtered out of the theater!! They knew the jig was up bc the dad (me) was too mad!!!!!
  17. I was like "PERFECT. THAT IS THEM. PLEASE FOLLOW THEM AND TALK TO THEM!!"
  18. And I went back in.
  19. And all was quiet.
  20. And I cried in peace.
  21. And of course I did receive a complimentary ticket to my next movie, because as any mad dad would, I demanded it.