TODAY'S FACEBOOK CHAT WITH MY EX-BOYFRIEND, ANNOTATED

  1. He messages me to congratulate me on something I'm working on.
  2. WHAT I THINK: That is sweet of you but also let's please respect the gorge between us that has protected me for the last four years from having to deal w/ your existence.
  3. WHAT I SAY: Thanks! How are doing? What're you up to?
  4. WHAT HE SAYS: I'm great! I'm living in Spain
  5. WHAT I THINK: I know that, actually. Of course I know that. You moved there with the guy you left me for four years ago, the guy who was the third place runner up on Survivor in the early 2000s.
    SIDE NOTE: Remember how Survivor was your favorite show throughout the duration of our relationship/your whole life? Remember how you would put on the Survivor soundtrack when we had sex? Remember how I had to find out you were with him on, full circle, Facebook? LOL, because I sure do!!
  6. WHAT HE SAYS CONT: I'm teaching acting and English
  7. WHAT I THINK: those poor, poor children
  8. WHAT HE SAYS CONT: How are you?
  9. WHAT I THINK: ok. Let me roll up my sleeves. This is not a drill. It's on. Here we go.
  10. WHAT I SAY: [insert meticulously prepared level 10 humble bragging, revised multiple times to be both graceful and informative, far too embarrassing to post publicly, followed by] I can't believe you're in Spain. That's so wonderful and unexpected. But I also feel like it makes a lot of sense.
  11. WHAT I MEANT: You are kind of insane and so I guess it makes sense you would do something insane.
  12. WHAT I MEANT: While it surprised me at first to find out you ran away from your life and responsibilities I also intimately observed your inability to cope with American culture and your fractured sense of self in society as you constructed it as both deeply insecure and a narcissist so it actually makes total sense to me that you fled.
  13. WHAT I REALLY MEANT: That actually ... sounds really nice.
  14. I'm sure you make a really great teacher. Awkward and kind and silly and dedicated. The thought kinda warms my heart.
  15. I really really really do hope you're happy. Some days I think about running away to Spain, too. (I mean I won't now, obviously, because I wouldn't know anyone there except you and like - omg lol no absolutely not)
  16. But The Survivor seems very sweet and it's good that worked out for you like it did. Honestly. Our relationship was Frida Kahlo / Diego Rivera insane, and I'm not just saying that because she's a Cancer and so am I and he's a Sagittarius and so are you. Some things come full circle. You went for it. I've totally forgiven you.
  17. I'm glad you were my first love, but I'm also thrilled you weren't my true love.
  18. May you have a beautiful long happy full life from wherever you are. You deserve it.
  19. PS ... You really should cut your hair.