Things I Said To My Son This Morning, While Switching Between The NYC And Detroit Parades On TV

He is ten years old.
  1. "Look, Emmet! Kermit the Frog!"
  2. "Look, Emmet! The Pillsbury Doughboy!"
  3. "Look, Emmet! Sting!" (To which he replied, "Who? Sting? Who the heck is Sting?")
  4. "Look, Emmet! Elf on the Shelf looks like he has to pee!"
  5. "Could this get any whiter?"
  6. "'Get Into the Groove' does not make for a good marching band song."
  7. "Martha Reeves just freaked out that commentator by saying she was coming to his house for dinner. Martha, you can come to my house!"
  8. "Look, Emmet! Keegan-Michael Key!"
  9. "Sure, Key shows up. Where is Detroit native, Madonna Ciccone?"
  10. "Look, Emmet! Rainbow Fish!" Emmet: "Um, yeah. It's been, like, five years since I really cared about Rainbow Fish..." Me: "Well, yeah. But it's still a giant fish floating through the sky. Let's keep things in perspective."
  11. "Look, Emmet! Tap dancing Christmas trees!" Emmet: "That's just weird."
  12. "Sarah McLachlan sure can make a festive song boring as all get out."
  13. "When did Sarah McLachlan become Enya?"
  14. "Elf on a Shelf is trying to not pee on Enya. I mean Sarah McLachlan..."