PEOPLE I’D LIKE TO BE FOR A DAY
This list could probably be 50 people long but I will restrain myself. If your list is less than 5 then get the hell off your high horse buddy cause no one is buying it.
- •Michelle ObamaBecause I command respect, wear the most fabulous dresses, make children healthier, and guest star on Parks and Rec. That last one is the most important. Honorable mention goes to having the greatest arms in 'Merica. And I'm doing all of this simultaneously.
- •Martin ScorceseThat one day will be devoted to totally fucking up the casting in his next movie in a way that is irreversible. I want to see Rob Riggle or Patton Oswalt lead a Marty Scorcese film! WHO DOESN'T? I will also use this day to call up Edward Norton and tell him to stop being a dick, and to have a "working lunch" with Leo DiCaprio.
- •Director of the NSAFor reasons that are none of your damn business.
- •Penn or TellerBecause I want to know their secrets, and perform for a medium-sized crowd in Vegas.
- •Taylor SwiftIf I need to explain this then it's already lost on you.
- •Mindy KalingClothes. And A-list make outs. Also duh, it's Mindy. Also, a makeup artist who understood my skin would be BRILLIANT.
- •Bill GatesI'd spend the whole day in his mansion making his many (well compensated) servants do stuff for me. I'd also commission a large oil on canvas portrait of myself because I'm positive that rich people still do that.
- •Kim Jong-UnI'd confuse everyone under me by being super nice to them and giving them the day off, because that's just the kind of guy I am. I'd then call up Randall Park and tell him I really enjoy his sitcom, Fresh Off the Boat. I'd finish by making sure everyone in my country has food and water or whatever.
- •Any Chopped judgeBecause I'd force them to do a meatless episode and then scream at any chefs who used mushrooms for their "meatiness".