Ranking of Current Presidential Candidates, as Per My Own Personal Bias
Soooo many options abound in 2016- how will I ever choose? If you're asking yourself this question, fear not! This list will clarify urrytang
- •HILLARY - I mean, come on already. She tried once before and probably should've won, but Obama was more exciting. But now it's her turn, and I'm ready for her to be my beacon forever.
- •BERNIE SANDERS - a self-proclaimed socialist, this Brooklyn-born Jewish grandpa is crazy smart, a bastions of liberal ideals, and a sexy bitch.
- •ROSEANNE BARR- I think she runs every election but no one except hardcore stoners take her seriously. I'm not saying it's time to take her seriously, but she's awesome and I think a lesbian, which is even better.
- •RAND PAUL - I'm not sure how this eye doctor even got elected to office, but I'm still pissed at his dad for ruining the 2000 election which gave us W, and for that reason, I'm out. But I do like his curly hair.
- •SCOTT WALKER - again, I'm wondering how a governor whose people hated him so much they tried to vote him out of office mid-term is now a viable presidential candidate, but he's not quite as awful as his fellow republican compatriots, and he's such a dork, I almost feel bad.
- •JEB BUSH- sporting the signature Bush smirk, this smarter version of his older brother is still kind of a douche, but I think Americans will just be too confused when asked to differentiate among 3 Bushes.
- •BEN CARSON- whyyyyyyyyyyyyy??!!!! You're so smart, and a doctor, so you're not an idiot, and yet your views will set us back by about 120 years. No thank you, bitch.
- •TED CRUZ- aka the devil, Ted Cruz has the personality of a wet rag and the face of a dinosaur. His views are narrow-minded, out of touch with reality, and offensive as a fellow homo sapien. He should be deported to sub Saharan Africa with no water.
- •MARCO RUBIO - I mean, do we seriously have to take his candidacy seriously? He doesn't even know how to speak on camera. He also doesn't understand civil rights.
- •CARLY FIORINA - props for being a woman and a republican, but you were a shitty CEO of an even shittier computer company, and your views on women's rights are offensive to women. You also look like Bette milder had a baby with Kathie lee Gifford. Next!
- •HONORABLE MENTION: Lincoln chafee (awesome); mike huckabee (homophobic) Chris Christie (bully)