Remaining Presidential Candidates Ranked by Sensuousness*

*including potential future candidates/former NYC mayors
  1. 1.
    Marco Rubio
    Only because we now know he is a machine, in addition to being sorta halfway decent-looking, albeit severely dehydrated.
  2. 2.
    Hillary Clinton
    Because she's fucking Hillary Clinton. ❤️
  3. 3.
    Michael Bloomberg
    Cuz he's kinda major, did some dope shit as mayor, and because his speech during the blizzard of December 2010 when he told us to basically all stay home/ order Chinese/read a book/Netflix and chill was epic and theatrically interpreted by that amazing sign language interpreter.
  4. 4.
    Donald J. Trump
    Caveats: he's gross; any interaction would need to occur on the set of "the apprentice." Also, Donald trump = 90s, and I want nothing more than to feel like it's 1998 in perpetuity. He will take me there.
  5. 5.
    John Kasich
    Rumor has it he's hot-tempered, which sounds vaguely promising, I guess. Also bonus points for saying he'd deign to attend a gay wedding.
  6. 6.
    Bernie Sanders
    Um, he's our nation's collective surrogate Jewish grandfather. Sensual he is NOT. (But adorable, yes)
  7. 7.
    Ben Carson
    Because he'd appear/be asleep for 80% of it.
  8. 8.
    Jeb Bush
    Cuz he don't know when to quit.
  9. 9.
    Ted Cruz
    Dabbling in the dark arts can be hot but not when you try and set back civil rights and reproductive freedom by like 75 years. Also, he look like be in hocus pocus.