Remaining Presidential Candidates Ranked by Sensuousness*
*including potential future candidates/former NYC mayors
- 1.Marco RubioOnly because we now know he is a machine, in addition to being sorta halfway decent-looking, albeit severely dehydrated.
- 2.Hillary ClintonBecause she's fucking Hillary Clinton. ❤️
- 3.Michael BloombergCuz he's kinda major, did some dope shit as mayor, and because his speech during the blizzard of December 2010 when he told us to basically all stay home/ order Chinese/read a book/Netflix and chill was epic and theatrically interpreted by that amazing sign language interpreter.
- 4.Donald J. TrumpCaveats: he's gross; any interaction would need to occur on the set of "the apprentice." Also, Donald trump = 90s, and I want nothing more than to feel like it's 1998 in perpetuity. He will take me there.
- 5.John KasichRumor has it he's hot-tempered, which sounds vaguely promising, I guess. Also bonus points for saying he'd deign to attend a gay wedding.
- 6.Bernie SandersUm, he's our nation's collective surrogate Jewish grandfather. Sensual he is NOT. (But adorable, yes)
- 7.Ben CarsonBecause he'd appear/be asleep for 80% of it.
- 8.Jeb BushCuz he don't know when to quit.
- 9.Ted CruzDabbling in the dark arts can be hot but not when you try and set back civil rights and reproductive freedom by like 75 years. Also, he look like be in hocus pocus.