Republican Presidential Nominees Ranked by Sensuality
We all know that the Republican field is a total shit show but that doesn't mean we can't think about who would be best-suited for an evening of sensual lovemaking and heavy petting.
- •Marco RubioHe strikes me as a gentleman on the streets and a beast in the sheets. Also dehydrated.
- •Carly FiorinaFailed CEOs make for wonderful lovers. FACT.
- •Ben CarsonWhen not separated conjoined twins or hating on gay people, he TOTALLY seduces his wife to Marvin Gaye and bolognese (I suspect)
- •Scott WalkerTotal bottom, which is cool. He owns it! (Subconsciously and not in public)
- •Donald TrumpWhile I find him repugnant, I bet he has really high thread count sheets, which is worth something
- •Jeb BushPossibly practices tantric sex meshed with south Floridian Santeria
- •Chris ChristieDefinitely combines sex and food, replete with truffle salts, tagliatelle, and imported Portuguese food from Newark.
- •Rand PaulDefinitely takes off the toupee and lets his hair down, but too reserved and obsessed with the constitution
- •John KasichWould be ranked higher if he looked more alive
- •Mike Huckabee and Ted Cruz (tied for LEAST SENSUAL)Ew, no. I shan't with this!!