We all know that the Republican field is a total shit show but that doesn't mean we can't think about who would be best-suited for an evening of sensual lovemaking and heavy petting.
  1. Marco Rubio
    He strikes me as a gentleman on the streets and a beast in the sheets. Also dehydrated.
  2. Carly Fiorina
    Failed CEOs make for wonderful lovers. FACT.
  3. Ben Carson
    When not separated conjoined twins or hating on gay people, he TOTALLY seduces his wife to Marvin Gaye and bolognese (I suspect)
  4. Scott Walker
    Total bottom, which is cool. He owns it! (Subconsciously and not in public)
  5. Donald Trump
    While I find him repugnant, I bet he has really high thread count sheets, which is worth something
  6. Jeb Bush
    Possibly practices tantric sex meshed with south Floridian Santeria
  7. Chris Christie
    Definitely combines sex and food, replete with truffle salts, tagliatelle, and imported Portuguese food from Newark.
  8. Rand Paul
    Definitely takes off the toupee and lets his hair down, but too reserved and obsessed with the constitution
  9. John Kasich
    Would be ranked higher if he looked more alive
  10. Mike Huckabee and Ted Cruz (tied for LEAST SENSUAL)
    Ew, no. I shan't with this!!