Requested by V.P. Walling

The Most Important Thing I Learned in Each Year if My Life to Date, on the Occasion of My Birthday

  1. 1981: Reading is fundamental (namely letters on the fridge)
  2. 1982: babies are selfish
  3. 1983: falling out of bed is scary and requires reinforcements
  4. 1984: george Orwell is a ho
  5. 1985: "the killing fields" is not child friendly
  6. 1986: Debbie Gibson & billy Joel and I have the same piano teacher
  7. 1987: glasses stink
  8. 1988: I'm fat
  9. 1989: the 80s were a mess
  10. 1990: this is the 90s!
  11. 1991: red, white and black is a really cool color combo
  12. 1992: 6th grade is a waste of time
  13. 1993: I love bill Clinton
  14. 1994: dieting plus growth spurt leads to string bean like appearance
  15. 1995: girls are fun
  16. 1996: I'm not a horrible driver thank god
  17. 1997: 1997 was a great year
  18. 1998: get me the eff out of HS and into yale already
  19. 1999: pizza and ranch over time leads to fatness
  20. 2000: SNL will never be better than it currently is
  21. 2001: drinking is boring when you have a fake
  22. 2002: the Macarena is for losers
  23. 2003: I'm bi?
  24. 2004: I'm gay but need to lose weight in order to be found attractive
  25. 2005: picking up college aged baristas never works out
  26. 2006: condoms are really expensive
  27. 2007: beige food never goes out of style
  28. 2008: beige bar does go out of style
  29. 2009: my 20s were a romp!!
  30. 2010: b school is a shit ton of work
  31. 2011: I have soooo many loans
  32. 2012: aging means you have more indigestion and stomach problems
  33. 2013: cohabitation can be a beautiful thing
  34. 2014: modern medicine rocks
  35. 2015: I want to age healthily for as long as humanly possible