Requested by Janson Woodlee

Ways to Exit a Serial Killer's Lair (Alive)

Drawing upon all my experience sitting through thriller after thriller, and a whole lotta Dateline.
  1. Whilst having explosive diarrhea everywhere, steering the killer away from your general area
  2. Spend qt with the killer, earn his or her trust, and then stab them in the heart in the middle of the night prior to making exit
  3. By singing any song on loop by the Vengaboys, causing the killer to go insane and/or release you voluntarily
  4. Fake ya own death
  5. Making incessant, unwanted sexual advances towards the culprit, ultimately revolting him or her and prompting your voluntary release
  6. Nonstop farting
  7. Obsessive conversation about how amazing the movie "Babel" was or about how Kim Kardashian is an intellectual powerhouse
  8. Incessant references to "smash"
  9. RUNNING FOR THE FRONT DOOR AS QUICKLY AS YOU CAN, BACKWARDS (ps you said this circa 2004)
    Suggested by   @jansonebwoodlee
  10. By cultivating a highly nuanced Nell impersonation 🙆🌾
    Suggested by   @jansonebwoodlee
  11. CONSULT DEBRAH LEE CHARATAN - THE DEVIL'S PLAYTHING
    Suggested by   @jansonebwoodlee
  12. Do NOT let them grab a card around the corner. It is a pistol or other instrument of Death.
    Suggested by   @jansonebwoodlee
  13. By becoming a serial killer, but stopping after you kill your serial killer.
    Suggested by   @vp