THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
for a TV hosty type.
- •Agent calls, says I have an audition for some top-secret new show.It's network prime time! I have been burned before, and I'm kind of transitioning out of this kind of thing, but I go to citibankonline.com and I say: there could be more numbers in here. Okay, I'm in.
- •I go to the audition and the waiting room is various Bachelors and Big Brother housepeople and Radio Disney DJs.When I first moved to LA, it was me and Danny Bonaduce and Todd Newton and Mark DeCarlo.
- •In the room, I find out the show is some kind of extreme something. Like you have to learn ballroom dances and there are snakes on you. Or they bury you alive for a month and then you answer pop culture trivia questions.Eeesh. Still: bank account numbers.
- •The casting people are like: improvise a situation you might see on this show. Go.Oh, so: write your show for you? Sure. Gotta earn the parking validation somehow.
- •I get a callback and a rough script.And the producers are there and they give me valuable feedback like: "you're talking like the audience is ten feet away. Talk like the audience is four feet away." Or: "Our demographic is Influencers, so keep that in mind and go again."
- •I go through the motions enthusiastically and drive home thinking: fuck these people and their garbage extreme show.Fuck them right in the dick.
- •I buy a sample LSAT book at Barnes & Noble on the way back.Options.
- •A week or so later, I find out they have cast Alphonso Ribeiro or Kellan Lutz or, like, Jodie Foster or whatever.Stunt casting! Buzz!
- •I think: well, dammit. I would have crushed that show.I have a lot of fucking nerve.
- •Agent calls.Network, you say? Prime time? I'll be right there.