Things "the Last Witch Hunter" Wants to Be

Have you seen the latest Vin Diesel movie? Holy shit it's trying so hard to do so much. Here are some of those things:
  1. Batman
    It really feels like Vin Diesel watched Batman and was like "I wanna do that" so he got Michael Caine to play a character who is essentially Alfred all over again.
  2. Men in Black
    "Imagine if aliens walked around New Youk every day without us knowing! Now imagine that, but with witches. Crazy, right?!?!" - Vin Diesel pitching this movie (in my mind)
  3. Game of Thrones
    There's a bunch of medieval swords and sorcery stuff at the beginning, and then Ygritte a.k.a. "you know nothing John Snow" is a big part of the movie.
  4. The Craft
    Speaking of Ygritte, she plays a cool/punky young witch who works at a magical speakeasy. She'd fit in real well with those cool/punky girls from the Craft!
  5. CSI: Special Witches Unit
    Vin Diesel inspects a crime scene using potions or herbs or something and it feels hilariously like a procedural. Get on it, Dick Wolf!
  6. Training Day
    Elijah Wood plays a rookie who sure has a lot to learn about the mean streets of witch hunting!
  7. Highlander
    Vin Diesel plays an immortal who has lived for over 800 years. Unlike Hylander, however, we don't get to see many other time periods and it's a big damn shame.
  8. James Bond
    Vin Diesel seduces a stewardess for no real reason other than to look cool I guess?
  9. The Next Tentpole Fantasy Franchise
    Here's the deal: Vin Diesel is a true nerd (who legit loves Dungeons & Dragons and Lord of the Rings), trapped in the body of a Jersey Shore bro. He desperately wants to be the star of the next blockbuster sci-fi epic (He produced all the Riddick movies!) but it just ain't happened yet.
  10. A Good Movie
    You'll get 'em next time, Vin!