please don't read this I'm a mess
  1. fuck it / numb
    8:30 woke up 2 tired 4 2day
  2. anticipation of good / comfort / today's gonna be all right
    thnx 4 coming in clutch, coffee
  3. lonely / impressed by myself
    realized in the shower that no one in my family understands depression / realized I have something in me that continues to fight, despite the internalization of emotion and aloneness, and that it's done so for many years.
  4. intrigue / narcissistic fascination
    i.e. tried to find patterns in my behaviors and understand how I managed to avoid a long-term, toxic relationship with myself. this is not shitty self help stuff. I'm just interested and confused and inspired by my own self sometimes and it's probably really self-absorbed but whatever it's not like that
  5. awe / gratitude
    came out of my narcissism and gave credit where it's due. still can't believe that I found a friend who makes me feel heard and known and understood, who's smarter than me and cooler than me and wiser than me, but treats me like an equal, etc etc mushy etc. he told me you only have this a few times in your life. I can't believe I got it once. so I ended up writing for an hour about friendship and how lucky I feel to be a part of such a real and good and healthy one
  6. humble understanding
    somewhere in the middle of my writing I realized why he did what he did, why it was necessary and right and good
  7. pain
    I doubted my understanding and entertained the idea that I didn't matter to him in the same way I thought or wished I did
  8. reality shock / increased gratitude
    everything was clear in my heart and I found the words and I let go of myself and felt his side of it and was even more grateful for his being there
  9. impressed
    that the human mind can fool itself to protect itself
  10. oh shit shit shit
    when I realized I'd procrastinated studying for my Spanish test because of the above
  11. amusement / lololol
    Jewish kid in class was on fire with Jewish jokes today
  12. minor crush
    Jewish kid in class on fire with Jewish jokes = wow what am I feeling inside right now
  13. retracted sensitivity
    withdrew into myself during class and just felt all my thoughts for a while. I do this sometimes (a lot) and it's important that I do idk how to explain it. enneagram 4s are asshats who like to feel misunderstood and apart sometimes and i fit the stereotype to a t
  14. external sensitivity
    felt vulnerable to everything around me. felt everything from the outside. in tune
  15. relief
    Spanish test pretty okay
  16. pragmatic / attentive
    helped my brother figure out scheduling garbage
  17. let's do this thing / productive
    homework time
  18. no
    Nathaniel Hawthorne isn't my fave ever
  19. incompetency / failure
    my sister called me on her way home from work (as a peds nurse) and told me about the shitty day she had and I couldn't sufficiently console or comfort her
  20. sad
    thing I do a lot. beautiful things feel sad. and brokenness and tragedy feel poignant.
  21. annoyance
    call from 3rd sibling of the night about taxes / unnecessary call / interrupted my reflection
  22. guilt
    for getting annoyed with her and my stubborn narcissism (this is a pattern)
  23. reflection / centering
    Kaylie be chill youre chill just don't be a bitch next time it's chill
  24. wow am I old or 13? idk
    feeling and language suggest 2 radically different interpretations
  25. I think I'm 13