1. The first people to get smartphones were homeless people who wanted to know when their government checks were arriving.
  2. #ferguson
  3. Global warming is real. That's why I brought my pellet gun down with me.
  4. I don't like scotch. And I don't like Canadian whiskeys.
  5. I never eat like that ever, but I make myself once a year.
  6. CNN and Fox will give you two different perspectives on Ferguson. I didn't expect that.
  7. I think sixty grand is probably a bargain.
  8. Her father-in-law is fairly racist.
  9. My 95-year old mother called for Thanksgiving, and she says, "How's your hair now?"
  10. Christ. The water is this far from the house.
  11. "Bob, I like your shoes." "Thanks, they're Screechers."
  12. I watched the most sophomoric Steve McQueen movie the other night.
  13. I talked with a guy last week who got Shingles of the inner ear.
  14. There's a chocolate lab down at the end of our street that looks like a pit bull.
  15. Being a vet has got to be a better deal than being an internist.
  16. He said that was his wife with a phony driver's license.
  17. I'm not on that list, am I? I'm not intelligent enough to say anything you would want to write down.
  18. And the winner:
    The first time I saw an alligator on the golf course I went up and tapped it on the head with my club. They're not that smart.