Published here- Recreated for list app and for all those here that need some last minute Halloween ideas in both the costume and sex-having departments. Illustrations by Shaylyn Berlew
  1. Batfleck (or Ben Affleck Boston Batman)
    A9dfd257 a12e 46cd 9dc2 5b83a1e9dcbc
    Get a readily available Batman mask. Borrow- because how dare you own- Red Sox, Celtics, or Bruins jersey and/or gear. Drawing a Gaelic cross tattoo on your arm is encouraged. Say: “I beat up the Jokah. Fackin’ guy had a smaht mouth. Yeah, I’m the fackin’ Batman. Wanna fack with my mask awn?”
  2. Water on Mars
    0a546c06 d764 4e9d 851a 35e49dd07943
    Wear all red, preferably textured prints. Pin some blue streamers to your shoulders and/or wear an icy blue hat. If you have that trendy teal hair dye job then you’re already there. Craft a necklace by tying some string around a bottle of water (you can replace this with vodka if you’re feeling dangerous). Say: “Underneath my ice caps is a whole ocean of passion” or “You have my Curiosity. I’d like to rove all over you.”
  3. House Plant
    30a0eb32 f6df 49d9 a1a7 ddf6b5795846
    Wear brown bottoms and a green long sleeved top. Attach a few leaves and flowers (fake or real, your call) to your arms and torso. Put on a floral hat or headband. Say: “Not only can I tie your room together, I can tie you up, too” or “The way I grow you’ll think it’s a miracle.”
  4. Scientologist
    Fc3e6095 a9a4 4c67 a877 254003429b37
    Wear conservative, navy clothes. Get a yacht captain’s hat. Make yourself a pin that says “WWXD” or “What Would Xenu Do?” if room allows. Create the classic tin can telephone- two cans with string- and go around asking people to hold them to “get a thetan reading” or “go clear.” Say: Well…you might be going home alone on this one, this costume is too scary. But if you still want to give it a try say “Let’s start by removing your thetans and then let’s remove your clothes.”
  5. Feel the Bern
    1801b748 9826 4960 b19a 0c5eca9493aa
    Put on your best 80s workout gear- spandex, bike shorts, legwarmers, etc all in super bright colors. Acquire a disheveled, mad-scientist-type white wig and thick rim glasses. Throw on some real Bernie Sanders pins or other endorsements for good measure. If you have a Sanders t-shirt, turn it into a half shirt. Say: “Let’s socialize together.”
  6. World Wide Web
    594308a0 0504 45d9 9d8a 293c1d5567ac
    Wear a shirt that has a picture of the planet on it, or, better, has a full map print ie that shirt Carrie Brownstein wore in those Portlandia subway ads. Cover yourself in fake spider web. Say: “I think we have a connection” or “You literally have no idea how dirty I am deep down.”
  7. TaskRabbit
    129a0140 e73a 45af b6ce 6f09c21f75de
    Wear handyman-centric clothing, like a denim work shirt or overalls. Put on a tool belt. Get some fake bunny ears. Say: “I can assemble your Ikea bed for you, and then we can test it.”
  8. John Waters
    9329af84 3ffc 4d31 b754 2c0f28d15e24
    Put on the most outrageously patterned sportcoat you can find. Better yet, a smoking jacket. Wear a 50s style necktie. Draw on with makeup a very, very thin mustache right on top of your lip. Say: *perverted laugh*
  9. Pumpkin Spice Latte
    79d1858e 66b3 4dab b89b 427fa2154feb
    Wear all white. Wrap a piece of cardboard around your midsection, preferably with the Starbucks logo, for your drink sleeve. Put on the good ole Jack O’ Lantern mask, available at a Halloween store. Say: “Put on your yoga pants and Uggs and we got ourselves an evening.”
  10. Emoji Ghost
    B3a486c2 6e27 44bc 836c a8859feffb3c
    Create the classic bed sheet ghost costume. Cut out some wonky, unevenly sized eyes. Pin a pink piece of felt cut to resemble a tongue right underneath said eyes. Say: “ghost emoji, heart emoji, lips emoji, eggplant emoji, peach emoji.”
  11. John McClane
    92213ebb 4e5c 49d8 8905 9cfafa767db2
    Acquire some casual slacks and a tank undershirt. Tatter them up with burns, fake blood, and dirt, then throw some on your face for good measure. If you want to go Die Hard, wrap your feet in bloody gauze. If you want Die Hard With A Vengeance, put on an equally dirty and bloody short sleeve button up shirt and wear a badge on a chain around your neck (and wear shoes). Say: “More like Yippee-Ki-Lay, am I right?”
  12. Everyone Who Moved From NYC to LA
    64bf4efa 8b3e 4df0 8133 ea22b4b2d5e5
    Be noticeably absent from your friends’ Halloween parties Say: Email a long insufferable essay about how you wished you could make it and it breaks your heart not to be there, but things are just so different now. And also your apartment has a pool.