MY DREAM GIGS

In no particular order, all without likelihood to occur
  1. Owner of a euro-style cafe
    The kind of spot that opens early for coffee, has a small menu of sandwiches, shared plates, and egg dishes, and stays open late-ish to serve beer and wine. Ideally a good work spot and date spot. Maybe has a book share
  2. A storyteller on Drunk History
    Combing two of my loves- history and the sauce- I'd love to tell the tale of William Walker, the greatest American ass hole
  3. NY Post headline writer
    Because puns, puns, and more puns without inherently having to contribute to right wing vitriol
  4. Muse
    Seems pretty cushy and you get rewarded for just being, so that sounds nice
  5. Archduke Franz Ferdinand
    Admittedly a specific person as opposed to occupation, it would be nice to experience 19th century grandiosity at its most turbulent, have a fun name to say, and be famous in death
  6. Stylist to the dude stars
    Because most celebrities dress terribly even with all the money in the world. I'd like to buy clothes I can't afford
  7. The inventor of the equivalent of the Ninja Turtles
    Creating a ludicrous concept that's been famous for decades that works as its own self parody. And sweet sweet residuals
  8. Writer for Law and Order
    Body discovered, talk to the bartender, interrogate the neighbors, looks like was class related, actually about a secret love child, prosecution needs to redirect doubt, glib one liner from head DA, credits