My personal, infallible selections.
  1. Stanley Cup (NHL)
    It's as tall as a six-year-old and you can drink out the damn thing.
  2. Green Jacket (PGA/Masters)
    Color so absurd you'd never wear it to a wedding, which is good, because it can't leave Augusta.
  3. Lombardy Trophy (NFL)
    Plus: it's perfectly mirror-polished silver; Minus: it shows every. Single. Goddamn. Fingerprint.
  4. MLS Cup
    Modernish thing you can drink out of. It's fine, I guess.
  5. Larry O'Brien Championship Trophy (NBA)
    Basically just a gold knockoff of the Lombardy Trophy, complete with an unforgivable non-regulation-size hoop.
  6. Commissioner's Trophy (MLB)
    The only thing worse than a trophy named after a commissioner (see: O'Brien, Larry) is one named after the office alone. Just, no.