1. Sex Tape - animal, object, civil war re-enactor
  2. Rehab for self-pity
  3. Civil War Reenactor podcast/tumblr
  4. Become Animal Anti-Vax proponent
  5. Blog from beard's POV (tumblr/wix)
  6. Get 1 line in Straight Outta Compton
  7. Twitter war with Bill Pullman
    Subject: Starbucks vs. Seattle's Best
  8. Acquire persona: "the guy who always yells at cats"
  9. YouTube Channel
    "What's the deal with *this* app?!", trash historical figures, plagiarize Alex Jones, cooking for almost-rans, grocery reviews
  10. Write TV Pilot with David Hasselhoff as main character
    Actually did this.
  11. Display large baseball cap collection in back window of car
  12. Become a Scientologist
    Suggested by @emeryemery