How to Self Destruct Writing a History Paper

A 101 Guide on College Procrastination
  1. 1.
    Wait until the night before the paper is due to start everything
    Some of you will want to start researching two nights before it's due, but trust me for peak anxiety start researching and writing the same night.
  2. 2.
    Don't buy the book
    Yes, the teacher said the book was only $10 and that if you had an issue finding it, he would provide it for you, but why if you're spending money on college already should you be required to BUY a book? Books add up. It's the principle of the thing.
  3. 3.
    Instagram stalk a famous model
    Feel deep rage towards said model about how she/he doesn't have to write a paper about the constitutionality of Lincoln suspending Habeas Corpus.
  4. 4.
    Reflect on the challenges of modeling
    Probably a lot of pressure to be in Taylor Swift's girl gang.
  5. 5.
    Text a classmate with the hopes they haven't started to feel better about yourself only to find out that they finished two days ago
    People who can appropriately manage their time are monsters
  6. 6.
    Spend time making a list
    Yes, the only person who follows you is your friend Gaby, but doesn't the Gaby in your life deserve to feel your stress?
  7. 7.
    Feel bitterness towards parents for not pushing you to become Olympic gymnast
    You would be a gold medalist with amazing focus so you could probably write the paper in 30 minutes, but you wouldn't have to because you would be on Dancing with Stars currently.
  8. 8.
    Wonder if getting stung by a bee would be a valid excuse for not handing in a paper
    Realize it's December and the chances of this happening are slim and probably wouldn't hinder a person from writing a paper who is not allergic to bees
  9. 9.
    Check the time and panic
    Good, it's 1am and the paper only has half the sentence "Through Lincoln's perspective"
  10. 10.
    Go to bed with nothing done
    Lie to yourself and say you're a morning person who will just knock it out in the AM as though your a White House press secretary.