THE PERKS OF SURVIVING STAGE IV METASTATIC BREAST CANCER

Yes, there are some. No, it's definitely not worth it. This list is of the ones I've enjoyed today...
  1. Disabled seating on airplanes
    Granted, folding my giant body into a little airplane seat with sashimi-like, post-mastectomy body would probably cause me to vomit from pain (happened, but thankfully, not an airplane) However, look at all this glorious legroom!! Look at how un-origami-like I am sitting!
  2. Never paying a late fee again
    In my defense, 90% of these are actually related to my cancer treatment in some way but it still helps me to know that people will be nice and do whatever they can to make the dreaded fee go away. Works about 50% of the time for overdraft fees I incur because my stupid Chemo brain uses the wrong account. Also why must all credit cards be red, blue or silver?! I want a pink one. This is the book I contemplated buying when I realized our PGE bill hadn't gone through yet and went to investigate.
  3. Getting to fly to LA to do cool BCA photo shoots
    I feel like a model! A luscious, plus-sized model, which is the best kind. I ALWAYS dress up for planes because I'm sad I missed the Pan Am heyday and this is the first time I haven't felt stupid doing it!
  4. Zero. Fs. Given.
    Oh, you woke up three times in the middle of the night because your tissue expander feels like somebody sewed a razor-edged Tupperware in your chest? Guess who's going to put these amazing collagen eye packs on her face even though she's on a crowded airplane surrounded by people? zero. Fs.
  5. @steve will rub arnica into your back every night AND do all the laundry
    I hate doing laundry so so so much - so I hide it in bags all over the house until the mountains of dirty clothes start to mate and form tinier, baby mounds of clothes. only then do I consider washing them. Putting them away takes an entire day.
  6. @sophiec will give you access to her Spotify playlists
  7. People think you're super brave and strong
    Even when you're not, and you spent three days crying and yelling at your amazing husband because he didn't do the dishes. Especially since the aforementioned husband is a gorgeous slice of heaven, who spoils you rotten, AND you do trust him very much to keep the house clean when you're stuck in bed recovering. sorry for being a hot hot mess, 🐻. Love you more. Thank you for driving me to the airport at 5am and then picking me up at midnight and driving me to the hospital at 5am tomorrow.
  8. @gabimoskowitz will invite you to the beta of a super cool, about to blow up thing called @list
    It is especially great for counting your blessings when you're scared and anxious for surgery tomorrow and want to distract yourself by staying positive and focusing on what you DO have instead of what you don't.
  9. People will do your hair so it looks like this
    Hashtag I did not wake up like this