My Pre-flight Routine

I am terrified of air travel.
  1. T-Minus 3 Hours To Boarding MINIMUM
    Arrive at airport.
  2. T-Minus 2 Hours 50 Minutes
    Marvel at how quickly I passed through security; wonder how to spend rest of time.
  3. T-Minus 2 Hours 45 Minutes
    Scout bathrooms and Hudson News stands on walk to gate -- where all seats are filled by travelers awaiting to board the *previous* flight at this gate. Stand at the window, watch the flights take off with awe and wonder and terror.
  4. T-Minus 2 Hours 30 Minutes
    Go to bathroom. Poop.
  5. T-Minus 2 Hours
    Return to gate. Still no seats. Return to bathroom. Poop.
  6. T-Minus 1 Hour 30 Minutes
    On walk from bathroom back to gate, stop at Hudson News and buy a water bottle.
  7. T-Minus 1 Hour 25 Minutes
    Return to gate. Previous flight departed. Find seat.
  8. T-Minus 1 Hour 24 Minutes
    Settle comfortably into seat at gate.
  9. T-Minus 1 Hour 23 Minutes
    Return to bathroom. Poop.
  10. T-Minus 1 Hour
    Return to gate. Settle for slightly worse seat than before. Take a full Valium.
  11. T-Minus 45 Minutes
    Return to bathroom. Pee.
  12. T-Minus 40 Minutes
    Return to gate. Settle for even worse seat. Try to read, but instead get lost in the drug-hazy depths of Instagram.
  13. T-Minus 38 Minutes
    Take selfie, post to Instagram.
  14. T-Minus 35 Minutes
    Hey, I feel great! This won't be so bad!
  15. T-Minus 34 Minutes
    Rush to bathroom. Explosive diarrhea.
  16. T-Minus 10 Minutes
    Return to gate. Standing room only.
  17. T-Minus 6 Minutes
    Return to bathroom. Pee.
  18. T-Minus 2 Minutes
    Take another half a Valium.
  19. Board Plane
  20. T-Minus 25 Minutes To Takeoff
    Settle into window seat. Buckle in. Take a breath.
  21. T-Minus 20 Minutes
    Hey I feel REAL great! This'll be great!
  22. T-Minus 19 Minutes
    Realize I have to pee again just as row-mates settle into the seats beside me.
  23. T-Minus 18 Minutes
    No, it's not pee. It's poop. I have to poop. Right now. But I don't want to disturb my new row-mates. What sort of way would that be to start a flight?
  24. T-Minus 10 Minutes
    Try to control breathing. Hold in poop.
  25. T-Minus 8 Minutes
    Text parents that I love them.
  26. T-Minus 6 Minutes
    Text parents a sweaty selfie. Explain that I have to poop.
  27. T-Minus 3 Minutes
    Put phone in airplane mode. Realize laptop is on. Will that bring down the plane?? Quickly pull out laptop and shutdown.
  28. T-Minus 30 Seconds
    Take a deep breath. Understand that the relief of pooping once we're in the air will completely outweigh the stress of takeoff.
  29. T-Minus 2 Seconds
    Cue up Africa by Toto, strangely the only thing that can comfort me through takeoff.
  30. Takeoff!
  31. T-Plus 30 Seconds
    Well, this isn't so bad, is it?