Recipe for a Panic Attack

everyone has their own
  1. 1.
    land your dream internship at Universal Pictures in creative development
  2. 2.
    spend months and months at a dusty desk in the back of the finance department 200 yards from creative development because creative development didn't have the space with nothing but the script for Battleship and the persistent nagging thought that you'll never amount to anything and your steadily escalating heartbeat to keep you company
  3. 3.
    check Web MD for "steadily escalating heartbeat" and its idiot stepsister "shortness of breath"
  4. 4.
    see the webpage lock with a message that must be manually dismissed and that message is "if you are experiencing shortness of breath seek immediate medical attention"
  5. 5.
    feel your heart beat faster
  6. 6.
    recall from the studio tour the interns had to take on their first day that the Universal Studios lot once had a major fire but its ok because they have their own fire department
  7. 7.
    naturally assume that if the Universal lot has a fire department it must have a doctor, if not a hospital
  8. 8.
    approach the security desk and calmly ask to see the Universal doctor
  9. 9.
    watch with befuddlement as the security guard calls 911
  10. 10.
    wait patiently for 911 as your windpipe collapses in on itself like a dying star
  11. 11.
    greet the seven paramedics who arrive with politeness and humility; when asked what your pain level is on a scale of 1 to 10 say "8"
  12. 12.
    listen with patience and humility as the paramedic explains that if you were an "8" you'd be on fire
  13. 13.
    allow the paramedics to strap you to a gurney and roll you through the finance department and back into creative development and past your supervisor and all of the executives
  14. 14.
    as you are rolled outside notice with curiosity that they also sent a fire truck, which has blocked traffic as the seven paramedics strap you down
  15. 15.
    go to the hospital in an ambulance
  16. 16.
    get some vague tests done
  17. 17.
    collect call your parents in NY because your cell has no service and you're strapped to a bed and tell them you're in the hospital and you need them to call your roommate and ask him to pick you up
  18. 18.
    get your test results back: literally nothing is wrong with you
  19. 19.
    wait on the curb for your roommate to pick you up
  20. 20.
    return to work the next day in shame
  21. 21.
    read Battleship again
  22. 22.
    wait 2 years
  23. 23.
    find out the ambulance ride you never asked for but assumed was paid for by your insurance company actually wasn't paid for by your insurance company and the charge has grown exponentially with interest and oh yeah your credit score is now in the garbage
  24. 24.
    repeat