If I Were to Give a Commencement Speech, This Is How It Would Go...

I think it's safe to assume I will never be offered this job.
  1. "Hey guys. I'll keep it brief. It's entirely too hot out here. It's a pity that Stanford doesn't have an indoor auditorium capable of holding 10000 people. You'd think someone here could engineer that. Alas...
  2. Anyways, here we go.
  3. So if things down the road largely go your way, there's a decent chance you worked hard to achieve it. If so, mazel tov.
  4. But if it goes your way, hard work or not, there's an absolute certainty that you were lucky as fuck. Let's be honest. This is Stanford. You're all already lucky as fuck.
  5. So be grateful, try to be a net positive force in the world, be generous with other less fortunate, and don't give yourself too much credit.
  6. Can someone please acquire me an old fashioned, please? Extra cherries."