I'VE GOT A MAJOR CRUSH ON YOU (PART 1)

Even though we've never met or you don't actually exist. ETA: upon review, it seems as though I like my women to be funny and my men to be troubled.
  1. TIG NOTARO
    Because you're brilliant and hilarious and infectious and beautiful. I saw your stand up and the flame was ignited. Every subsequent thing of yours I've seen just fuels the obsession.
  2. VINCENT D'ONOFRIO
    Maybe this is unfair, because you don't really look like this anymore and it's giving away my shallowness. Still, I think if we were face to face I'd probably risk the restraining order and kiss you.
  3. SPIKE
    You don't actually exist which saddens me but is also a relief since vampires on earth (whether ambiguously evil or not) would be probs super scary. Still, I will always be Team Spike - that scene when you and Buffy finally consummate your relationship has often starred in my mind when I'm hanging out with my vibrator. Bless you.
  4. RUSTIN COHLE
    After episodes of build up and intensified yearning, I swallowed my disappointment at the rather anticlimactic and...very brief...coupling of you and Maggie. I looked around the room to see if anyone else was wondering "That's IT?" I know that there was a lot more important stuff going on in the show, and I understand that maybe, in your heart of hearts, you knew It wasn't real with Maggie and finished as fast as you could. My point is - I still love you. You're nihilistic and I get that.
  5. CHLOE/KRYSTEN RITTER
    I'm so sorry that "don't trust the b---- in apt 23" was cancelled. You are amazing and your comedic chops are DOPE. In another world, this show wasn't cancelled and runs for ever and ever. We are together and we celebrate each seasons renewal in a huge claw foot bathtub of sudsy water, you with your legs wrapped around me, drinking Krug champagne.