The Thoughts of a 7/11 Employee Trying to Explain Free Slurpee Day to a Robber

  1. Goddamn it.
  2. It's July 11th.
  3. Free Slurpee Day.
  4. I have to spend all day explaining to punk kids that only the special 7.11oz cups are free.
  5. And at one point the machine will break.
  6. You know how often a Slurpee machine has all the flavors working?
  7. Never. That never happens.
  8. Mountain Dew Blazzin' Berry is already out.
  9. This little hoodrat is trying to sneak out with a big cup.
  10. "Hey sorry, you have to pay for the extra large Slurpee. Only the special little cups are free."
  11. "Ugh, I know. It sucks, right?"
  12. It does not suck. It's free.
  13. You give one thing away for free, and people find a way to complain about it.
  14. So many people come in and out today.
  15. And everyone acts like monsters.
  16. Every tenth person steals a candy bar on Free Slurpee Day.
  17. Free Slurpee Day sucks.
  18. I wonder how many more taquitos we sell on Free Slurpee Day.
  19. Probably a lot, right?
  20. I'm going to keep track of that.
  21. You are always supposed to keep track of how many taquitos we sell, Rafael.
  22. Yeah, but today I'm going to pay attention to the number.
  23. Rafael, you have an actual customer.
  24. Sweet sunglasses and hat inside, weirdo.
  25. "Hello, sir, how can I help you?"
  26. I bet we sell twice as many taquitos today because everyone is like "I'm saving money on a Slurpee, so I can treat myself to a taquito," which is flawed logic because it's not like they would have gotten a Slurpee if it wasn't-
  27. HOLY SHIT THIS GUY HAS A GUN.
  28. GIVE HIM EVERYTHING.
  29. "Yes, yes, I'll empty the register."
  30. GODDAMN FREE SLURPEE DAY.
  31. "Here you go!"
  32. HE WANTS MORE MONEY. HE IS VERY AGITATED.
  33. "Sorry, this is all we have, because no one has paid for a Slurpee all day."
  34. MOST OF THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER COMES FROM SLURPEES.
  35. Raphael, relax. Just calm down.
  36. "Sir, please take the money and leave before I call the cops."
  37. He's angry and upset. He asked why I didn't call the cops on the little hoodrat kids who walked away with a Slurpee.
  38. "Well sir. It's free Slurpee Day."
  39. STOP CONFUSING THE ROBBER, RAPHAEL. HE DOESN'T NEED TO HEAR ABOUT FREE SLURPEE DAY.
  40. HE'S A ROBBER. EVERYTHING IS FREE FOR HIM.
  41. "So only Slurpees are free today. Taking our money is still robbery."
  42. He's shaking. He's so confused. Just get him out of the store.
  43. "Yeah, so if you take all our money and some chips and pizza and stuff, that's robbery, but if you get a Slurpee as well, that part of it wouldn't be a robbery."
  44. RAPHAEL, STOP CHITCHATTING WITH THE ROBBER.
  45. "But for you, everything is free because you are robbing us. Well, no, not free, but you can take it. But if you get caught you'll be in trouble."
  46. SHUT UP.
  47. A GROUP OF TEENAGERS JUST WALKED IN.
  48. HE'S WAVING HIS GUN AND TELLING EVERYONE TO GET DOWN
  49. "PLEASE LET THEM GRAB THIER FREE SLURPEE AND LEAVE."
  50. He's letting everyone get Slurpees, so long as they move slowly and make no sudden moves.
  51. "Well, they have to use the little cups in order for it to be free-"
  52. RAPHAEL, DON'T EXPLAIN THE CUP THING TO THE ROBBER.
  53. "The cups are 7.11oz, like for 7/11. And it's July 11th, so it's also 7/11, because July is the 7th month."
  54. RAPHAEL, YOU ARE PUTTING PEOPLE AT RISK ON THE BUSIEST DAY OF THE YEAR BY EXPLAINING FREE SLURPEE DAY TO A ROBBER.
  55. "Yes sir, it is convenient that 7/11 is in the summer when it's hot and people want Slurpees."
  56. GODDAMN IT, A WHOLE CAMP JUST WALKED IN TO GET THEIR FREE SLURPEE.
  57. HE'S FREAKING OUT.
  58. "See, this isn't a great day to rob a 7/11. You can come back tomorrow when everything in the store costs money."
  59. HE'S PANICKING AND ROBBING EVERYONE TRYING TO GET FREE SLURPEES.
  60. THE FREE SLURPEES ARE COSTING THEM SO MUCH MONEY.
  61. THAT'S ANTITHETICAL TO THE ENTIRE IDEA OF FREE SLURPEE DAY.
  62. "Please don't take their money, sir. They came in just to get a free Slurpee."
  63. STOP ATTRACTING THE ATTENTION OF THE ROBBER, RAPHAEL.
  64. "It's just, this is the one day when we try to do something purely nice, and people travel here for the sole reason to get a treat that doesn't cost them a thing."
  65. HE IS SHAKING, AND I AM SHAKING.
  66. "And I know you're scared because I'm scared and both of us are here in this situation, but it doesn't have to end bad. All these children are here for something good."
  67. WE ARE BOTH CRYING. THIS IS SO SCARY.
  68. "So please grab your free Slurpee and leave. It won't cost you a thing. It's a present, just for you, just for being here."
  69. He's marching over to the Slurpee machine.
  70. "Oh, only the little cups are-"
  71. LET HIM USE THE BIG CUPS. HE'S CLEARLY HAVING A ROUGH TIME.
  72. "Sorry we are out of the Mountain Dew. The Coke and the Pina Colada Sour Punch Straws are favorites."
  73. He got his Slurpee.
  74. He's clearly never had one before since he didn't put the top on first and THEN fill it up, which everyone knows gives you more Slurpee-
  75. He just threw the money from the register back at me.
  76. And said thank you for the free Slurpee.
  77. "You're welcome... Happy Free Slurpee Day."
  78. He's gone. He didn't steal anything.
  79. Well, technically he stole the Slurpee since it wasn't one of the little cups.
  80. Raphael, it's ok.
  81. Some people get to use the big cups on Free Slurpee Day.