The Thoughts of a Bigfoot Hunter Who is Both Disappointed and Terrified It's Just a Bear in the Cave

  1. Goddamn it.
  2. It's just a bear again.
  3. I followed these tracks for miles and now I'm in a cave with a sleeping bear.
  4. Why do you do this to yourself, Wilson?
  5. You spent all your free time hunting Bigfoot and it is always just a bear or a crazy person.
  6. I am so scared.
  7. But most of all, I'm disappointed.
  8. I'm disappointed that it's not Bigfoot again, but mostly I'm just disappointed in myself.
  9. But also, I'm so scared of this sleeping bear I've stumbled across.
  10. Slowly back out, Wilson. You failed again.
  11. There probably is no Bigfoot.
  12. No, Wilson. Do not think like that.
  13. Face it. The only reason you do this is because you have a following on the Bigfoot message boards.
  14. You're a 37-year-old single guy who's life revolves around a mythical ape man.
  15. Goddamn it. Don't step on the twig. It's going to wake up the bear.
  16. He stirred.
  17. I'm going to die. I'm going to die, and none of my friends on the message boards will even know because they only know me as SassySquatch96.
  18. He's still asleep.
  19. I'm going to live.
  20. But am I really living?
  21. I work in a convenience store and live with my divorced sister. Sure, I act like I'm helping her raise Dylan, but we all know I'm just there because no one else would tolerate all of my Bigfoot evidence cork boards.
  22. Why do I do this to myself? Why am I in a situation where I'm following large animals into dark caves?
  23. Because imagine if I did it.
  24. Imagine if I found him.
  25. You can't even find a girlfriend. What makes you think you could find Bigfoot?
  26. Ok, I've hit the cave wall. Shimmy around for the path out. Do not turn your back to the bear.
  27. This is it. This is my last trip to the woods. I'm hanging up my Polaroid.
  28. Yeah. Enough is enough. This is the last time I go looking for Bigfoot.
  29. "I'm done."
  30. DO NOT TALK IN THE CAVE WITH THE BEAR, WILSON.
  31. He is awake.
  32. Oh, he is a she. And there are cubs.
  33. The bear is charging.
  34. Run. Run. Run.
  35. Look back real quick to double-check it's not Bigfoot.
  36. It's not.
  37. Run. Run. Run.
  38. I'm out of the cave but the bear will not give up.
  39. "STOP CHASING ME. I KNOW I MESSED UP."
  40. Why did you stop, you moron?!
  41. "I'M SORRY, OK?! I'M SORRY I DISTURBED YOUR FAMILY. I JUST WANTED TO DISCOVER SOMETHING. I WANTED TO MAKE AN IMPACT."
  42. Stop crying in front of this confused bear.
  43. She is approaching. Do not move.
  44. Oh my God, the bear is sniffing me.
  45. Bigfoot is a myth. Bears are so real.
  46. God, how did I end up here?
  47. I was interested in Bigfoot and then one thing lead to another and I became the Bigfoot guy. I'm too tied to Bigfoot now. I have too many Bigfoot t-shirts. This is who I am.
  48. I don't think I could quit Bigfoot if I wanted to. I'm trapped.
  49. The bear is circling and touching me with her nose.
  50. She is... walking away.
  51. I'm too pathetic to be killed by a bear.
  52. What do I do now?
  53. I guess I just go home.
  54. Do I stop hunting Bigfoot?
  55. But what if? What if there is something out there we don't know about? Isn't it my duty as a human being to explore? Isn't there something romantic and exciting and important about uncovering the unknown?
  56. I can do that, but that doesn't have to be who I am.
  57. I don't want to give up Bigfoot, but I know I need to make some changes.
  58. I need to start over, but I'm not quite sure I know how to fix myself.
  59. I'm really scared.
  60. And not just of bears.
  61. How do I start over?
  62. I guess I just start.
  63. Tonight I'm not going to go on the message boards. I'm going to take my sister and Dylan out for ice cream.
  64. Yeah.
  65. I guess that's what I'll do today to be better.
  66. And I'll try not to hunt for Bigfoot tomorrow.