The Thoughts of a Blade of Grass As It Slowly Dies under a Slip-'N-Slide®

  1. It's a great day today.
  2. And we are at least four days away from the terrible weekly mower pain.
  3. Life is good. I feel strong in the summer.
  4. I smell good and am at my greenest.
  5. The woman is letting the little ones out again.
  6. I fear the little ones.
  7. They like to pick us up for sport and throw our dead bodies on top of the living.
  8. Relax, they will probably play on the swings.
  9. Woman has some sort of box.
  10. She is unfolding some sort of giant tarp and placing it-
  11. She placed it on top of me and thousands of my best friends.
  12. Hmmmm...
  13. I think this is really bad.
  14. It's really dark, and I need the sun to live, so I'm pretty sure this is really bad for me.
  15. At least I have some room to breathe-
  16. What's that noise?
  17. IS SHE NAILING THE TARP TO THE GROUND?
  18. WOMAN IS IMPRISONING US.
  19. WE ARE STATIONARY. YOU DON'T NEED TO NAIL US TO THE GROUND. WE AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE.
  20. Ok, relax. Relax. Conserve your energy. This is probably temporary.
  21. OH MY GOD, SHE'S WATERBOARDING US WITH THE HOSE.
  22. GRASS DOESN'T HAVE A RESPIRATORY SYSTEM, SO WATERBOARDING US ISN'T THAT TERRIBLE, BUT IT'S STILL A WEIRD AND SCARY THING TO DO.
  23. Keep your wits about you, man. You aren't going to survive this if you keep losing your goddamn mind every time something-
  24. JESUS CHRIST, WHAT WAS THAT?
  25. I HEARD A LITTLE PERSON YELL "COWABUNGA!" AND THEN I FELT A HORRIBLE, FLEETING PAIN.
  26. Ok, I don't know what that was, but it probably won't happen again-
  27. OH GOD, OW.
  28. THE CHILDREN ARE ROLLING AROUND ON US OVER THE TARP.
  29. WHAT AN INSANE THING TO DO.
  30. NOTHING REMOTELY LIKE THIS HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME BEFORE.
  31. I need the sun. I'm being trampled to the ground.
  32. Children, free me from your wet and wild prison.
  33. OH GOD. NOW THEY ARE ARMY-CRAWLING ON ME.
  34. It sounds like they are having fun.
  35. Who cares about their fun? I have to do something or I am going to die.
  36. I'm a blade of grass. There's nothing I can do. I'm just one of a trillion on this block alone.
  37. OH GOD, DAVEY IS PLAYING A COP AND MIKEY IS PLAYING A ROBBER AND THEY ARE CHASING EACH OTHER ON THE TARP ON TOP OF ME.
  38. WHY MUST THEY SUFFOCATE ME WITH THIER CRUEL MAKE BELIEVE?
  39. I'm going to die here.
  40. I'm losing my green.
  41. THE CHILDREN ARE GOING DOWN THE TARP TWO AT A TIME, EVEN THOUGH THE MOTHER EXPLICITLY TOLD THEM NOT TO WHEN SHE WENT INSIDE TO CALL HER FRIEND JANET.
  42. I don't want to die here in the dark, pasted to the ground.
  43. I miss the sun. This was supposed to be our summer.
  44. Sure, there's so many blades of grass in this world, but I loved the sun. I loved summer. I don't want that to end.
  45. Oh thank God, they called for a Kool-Aid Burst break.
  46. Everyone around me is dying. FREE US DURING THE KOOL-AID BURST BREAK.
  47. I can't hold on much longer.
  48. I'm so yellow.
  49. I don't want the sun to see me like this.
  50. Why did this happen to me?
  51. I did everything right. I was a good blade of grass. I stayed firmly in the ground and let bugs hide in me.
  52. How in the world could I have expected children to put a tarp over me, spray that tarp with water, and then slide back and forth on that tarp?
  53. I guess you can't really make sense of something like that. It's random and insane and scary.
  54. I just don't understand it.
  55. I think that's ok.
  56. Because I'm a blade of grass, and these are remarkably complex thoughts for me to have.
  57. Davey just said that this was the best day of the summer.
  58. It was nice. I'm glad I got to see it at all.
  59. Ok, now it sounds like Mikey is trying to ride Davey down the tarp, so I think this is where I check out.