The Thoughts of a Boss Realizing How Popular His Stint in the Company Picnic's Dunk Tank Is

  1. My turn!
  2. Haha, this is fun.
  3. I just sit on this little plank, huh?
  4. Oh, look Anne from accounting.
  5. "Hey, Anne, good luck!"
  6. Why is she stretching?
  7. "Hahaha Anne, you missed! Better luck next time!"
  8. She just bought ten more balls. That's $20.
  9. $20 we give to charity but still.
  10. She's winding up. Jesus, what the-
  11. OH DAMN GOD
  12. Ok, that was scary, and now I am wet.
  13. I guess I just get back up there?
  14. I'm supposed to be on this thing till three.
  15. Ok, Russell is up. Russell played college baseball. This isn't fair-
  16. OH JESUS ACK
  17. "First try, Russ! Great job."
  18. Russell just looked at me and said "I have four balls left. Again."
  19. That... seems mean.
  20. "Ok, I think I'm set-"
  21. GOD DAMN IT
  22. "Ok, Russ give me a second. I have to climb this little ladder and get myself situated-"
  23. OH GOD NO
  24. "RUSSELL, I SAID TO WAIT TILL I WAS READY."
  25. Jesus, Russell isn't even playfully bantering with me. He's pure focus.
  26. "Oh tough miss, Russ. You'll get them next-"
  27. WHY IS FALLING STILL SCARY.
  28. Oh. A long line has formed. Almost everyone in the office.
  29. Do people not like me?
  30. Wait, am I like a hated boss?
  31. I think. I think I am.
  32. Oh, sweet Linda. My secretary. Please don't-
  33. IT'S LIKE THE GROUND UNDER YOU BETRAYS YOU.
  34. Linda is celebrating too much. This is too big of a moment for her.
  35. Everyone is loving this. Everyone is loving this too much.
  36. I am being waterboarded by the office.
  37. Is this about how I got rid of Casual Fridays?
  38. People were taking advantage of the word "Casual."
  39. We are a law firm. Ken Waters should not be allowed to wear a wife beater once a week.
  40. "Go easy on me, Greg! I'm starting to get kind of a headache from the repeated falling haha- OH DEAR LORD."
  41. Is this because I used the term "wife beater" in my Casual Friday memo?
  42. Because that was my bad. I didn't realize how inappropriate it was, and I apologized.
  43. "Sally, our new paralegal! I didn't even know you were coming to the pic-OH DAMN IT ALL TO HELL."
  44. Everyone is really good at this.
  45. Have...
  46. Have they been practicing?
  47. Look at Janet warming up.
  48. I think they have been preparing for this.
  49. This goes beyond Casual Friday.
  50. Is this because I fired Barry? I liked Barry too, but Barry slept in court.
  51. Like, in the middle of his closing statements. That's unacceptable, no matter how many children he has to support.
  52. The worst part is the climb up the tiny ladder.
  53. "Hey Gloria! Good luck! Are you.. are you shaking and crying?"
  54. She just muttered "everything has been leading up to this moment."
  55. What does that-
  56. "OH GODDDDDDDD NOW I'M WET AGAIN. YAY THIS IS FUN."
  57. This is almost definitely because I cut everyone's vacation days.
  58. This isn't fair. I'm a fun boss.
  59. I volunteered to be in the dunk tank! The other partners didn't do that.
  60. Why are the other partners lining up?
  61. "Michael, James, Richard, I think it may be employees-only hahaha ONLY ONE OF YOU CAN THROW AT A TIME-OH GOD THERE IT GOES."
  62. Am I that bad?
  63. I guess I know I can be scary, and I use that to get things done.
  64. But I'm a boss. Bosses are supposed to be aloof and challenging.
  65. Just stay underwater.
  66. No one can see you cry here.
  67. You have to go back up, Lyle.
  68. I don't want to.
  69. They are just going to dunk me again.
  70. Because everyone at Parker, Kent, Young, & Lowery hates me.
  71. Everyone I spend all day with every day despises me and wants to see me humiliated.
  72. Well, Lyle...
  73. The alternative is drowning.
  74. So you really have no choice but to go up and just try to be nicer.
  75. Ok.
  76. "Hey guys, let's extend my dunk tank shift till four!"
  77. Ok, that did not deserve a round of applause.