The Thoughts of a Guy Who Didn't Know Alan Was Going to Bring All of His Work Friends to Happy Hour

  1. This will be nice. Alan and I hitting the town, like old times.
  2. Got here nice and early, saved two stools at the bar. Let's go. Kevin and Alan, like our college days!
  3. Let's see, happy hour specials.
  4. $7 for an IPA. That's the special? That's too much. That's not Happy Hour.
  5. Happy Hour drinks should be something you're comfortable hypothetically paying in quarters. Like $3 and below. I would never give someone seven dollars worth of quarters.
  6. $3 is 12 quarters, Kevin. That's a lot.
  7. It's the principal of the thing though. I've definitely bought $3 worth of McDonald's with quarters before. Cashiers are normally nice about it and are all "oh, we actually needed quarters."
  8. Which is probably not true, because that means every cashier is dangerously low on quarters and is hoping some immature twenty-year-old is low on funds for the month and foregoing laundry for food.
  9. God, I am poor. I cannot afford this bar.
  10. What was I thinking about before?
  11. Oh, yeah, Alan, where is-
  12. "ALAN! BACK HERE."
  13. Wait. Why did Alan just turn and do a "back here, guys!" wave.
  14. Please tell me he didn't-
  15. He did.
  16. Alan brought his work friends.
  17. Oh man, this just turned into a situation I will do everything in my power to leave.
  18. I need three days advance warning if I'm going to meet new people.
  19. "Hey! Nice to meet you. Sorry I didn't save seats."
  20. They are fine standing. They've been sitting all day at the big meeting.
  21. They all laughed when Alan mentioned the "big meeting." How is that an inside joke? Meetings are things that happen in jobs. Was there not actually a meeting? I'm already behind. This is terrible. I want to go home.
  22. Let's do this, Alan. Introduce me.
  23. "Blaze, was it?"
  24. It was Blaine. BLAINE, he made sure to over-enunciate the third time he repeated it.
  25. "Hey, Pat.. oh, sorry Patrick."
  26. Oh, great a Patrick who is testy when people call him Pat. This guy will be a delight to drink with.
  27. "Lindsey? Nice to meet you."
  28. I haven't found a reason to hate Lindsey.
  29. Yet.
  30. Yes, let's order drinks.
  31. Everyone is getting fancy drinks. I am losing control. This is no longer Alan and Kevin get drinks.
  32. "How much is a Bud Lite?"
  33. Five dollars during Happy Hour?! That's five four-piece nuggets. That's sinful.
  34. "I'll have one of those, please."
  35. Oh damn it, I turned my back for one second to order a drink and now they are talking about the launch date for their next ad campaign.
  36. How are they still talking about work? They just left work. They have been working every day for so many hours. What is there left to talk about?
  37. Blaine insists they will push the launch date back.
  38. Pat(rick) is confident the client will approve their new copy.
  39. Now they are fighting.
  40. Thank God, our drinks.
  41. Oh no, is this their work bar? Is this why Alan insisted on meeting here? So he could friend double-dip?
  42. You don't friend double-dip. ONE FRIEND GROUP AT A TIME.
  43. Ew, Blaine called the bartender "sweetheart."
  44. Awesome. A justification for hating him.
  45. Oh no, Lindsey knows it's been two minutes since I spoke. Don't do it, Lindsey. Don't overinclude me.
  46. I hope Patrick says something racist soon.
  47. I specifically texted Alan to hang after not seeing him for months. I was tricked into crashing a work thing.
  48. "What do I do, Lindsey? Well, I work from home doing freelance customer service for an app. I get paid per email I respond to."
  49. Lindsey, I assure you, it does not sound interesting, but I appreciate the effort.
  50. No, Patrick, I do not know your one friend who worked in some capacity in customer service at Zappos.
  51. "No, but the name sounds familiar."
  52. It's quicker to lie.
  53. ALAN, DON'T-
  54. Alan told them that I'm an inspiring writer.
  55. This is a terrible conversation to have with strangers.
  56. "Yeah, mostly short stories, a few screenplays. I wrote a play once that was in a festival."
  57. Now everyone is naming every writer friend they know who could help me out.
  58. I hate Alan. He is not my friend anymore.
  59. I want work friends. There's no work friends when you work from home.
  60. But if I had them, I would not bring them to see my best friend I haven't seen in months.
  61. You don't see me bringing my turtles from home, do you, Alan?
  62. Yes, Alan, buy us another round. It's literally the least you could do.
  63. "What was I drinking, Alan? I was drinking top shelf Johnny Walker Blue. Thank you."
  64. Lindsey caught that and laughed.
  65. Oh God, every time I turn away, Patrick and Blaine move the conversation to work. Apparently their client is being a real pain in the ass, but they can't tell me who it is.
  66. Must be fun having a work secret.
  67. They want me to beg. They want me to insist on telling me who their mystery client is.
  68. "No worries, Pat. Sorry, Patrick."
  69. Lindsey laughed very hard at that.
  70. Lindsey just said straight up that the client is Campbell's. It's Campbell's soup that is being a pain in the ass.
  71. The guys are mad at Lindsey for telling. That was pretty funny.
  72. She's just like them, Kevin. She's a Work Friend. Don't be seduced.
  73. "Thank you for the liquor, Alan."
  74. Alan, just whispered, "Isn't she great? Knew you too would hit it off. Sorry I couldn't ditch the other two."
  75. Oh...
  76. This is a set-up.
  77. Alan is setting me up with Lindsey.
  78. Oh.
  79. Goddamn it, I need at least a week heads up if I'm going to be set up.
  80. I hate Alan. This is terrible.