The Thoughts of a Guy Who Isn't Sure If He's Supposed to Pay Here at the Table or Up at the Cashier

  1. That was delicious. I always forget about pastrami. Pastrami is delicious.
  2. Ok, what's the damage?
  3. Not bad. Not bad.
  4. Do we pay here or at the cashier?
  5. "Do you guys think we pay here or we pay at the cashier?"
  6. Joey and Trish have no idea.
  7. "I mean, yeah, why else would they have a cashier up front?"
  8. Oh, Trish is right. Maybe that's just for pickup.
  9. I guess... I guess we ask someone?
  10. The waiter said "thank you!" with an air of finality when he dropped our check off, like he would not be handling our money.
  11. We're up.
  12. But if we leave the table and were supposed to pay at the table, we are stealing.
  13. "Maybe one of us should stay at the table just in case?"
  14. I don't want to stay at the table because then I'll look like the idiot when they pay at the cashier.
  15. Like I don't know how diners work.
  16. The truth is, I don't know how diners work.
  17. Every diner is it's own little government, with different rules and ways of making coleslaw.
  18. "Fine, let's all go to the cashier."
  19. No one wants to leave the table, just in case that makes us thieves.
  20. "I'm going to go check out the cashier. Give me the check."
  21. I'm just going to go ask.
  22. "Excuse me, do we-"
  23. The woman just said "thank you for dining with us!" before I could even ask her.
  24. And I kept on walking outside so I wouldn't embarrass her.
  25. Now I'm outside the diner with the bill.
  26. I'm a pastrami thief.
  27. Call Trish.
  28. "Trish, I left with the bill. Based off the cashier lady's goodbye, I think you pay at the table. I can't go back in."
  29. Trish needs the check to pay.
  30. "It's $30.50."
  31. Trish says she still needs the check so the waiter knows how much it was.
  32. She makes a good point.
  33. I have to go back in.
  34. "Forgot my hat!"
  35. The cashier lady didn't need to hear that. She wasn't even looking at me.
  36. Now I have to exit with a hat.
  37. Oh no, Trish and Joey are standing next to our table as it's being cleaned.
  38. "What do you mean you let the guy clean it? We needed to pay on it!"
  39. They are panicking. They didn't know what to do when I left the diner so they got up to follow me and the busboy swooped in and cleaned the table.
  40. "I guess we pay at the cashier then."
  41. The cashier woman wants to know if I found my hat.
  42. "Um. No."
  43. She enlisted all the waiters to help find it.
  44. There is no hat.
  45. They think someone stole my hat at their diner.
  46. "Shhhh Joey, it's too late to bring up the check now."
  47. She apologized for not finding it.
  48. And is giving us all free "Pete's Diner" t-shirts to make up for it.
  49. She said she hopes to see us back real soon.
  50. "Bye, thank you so much!"
  51. Quick, drop $40 in the potted plant near the door or karma is going to come for you hard.
  52. Run. Get out of there.
  53. Oh no. She told me I dropped my $40.
  54. "Keep it! Bye."
  55. I need to pay this goddamn diner.
  56. She insists I dropped it.
  57. "Um. Thank you."
  58. Just leave and tip them a little extra every time you go there until it gets to $30.50.
  59. We need to get out of here.
  60. Oh no, here comes our waiter.
  61. He said we never paid at the table.
  62. He's screaming asking if we knew how restaurants worked.
  63. The cashier woman looks so disgusted by us.
  64. She snatched back the free t-shirts.
  65. "Here's $100. I am so sorry. We panicked."
  66. This is why I never get pastrami.