The Thoughts of a Guy Who Really Thought Everyone Was Doing Joke Presents This Year

  1. "So where do I put my gift?"
  2. Of course, Keith and Jessica have a present sack.
  3. This is nice. Secret Santa is fun.
  4. Jessica is going to die laughing when she sees what I got her.
  5. Keith, just start Secret Santa. No one wants to hear your speech about the power of giving.
  6. Keith had Lou. I can't wait to see what bullshit he got haha.
  7. It's a wallet.
  8. Wallets aren't funny.
  9. Oh.
  10. No.
  11. Chris, not again.
  12. I can't be the only one to get a joke present.
  13. Lou had Rachel.
  14. There's no way Lou didn't get her like coloring books or a talking fish or something.
  15. Lou loves stuff like that.
  16. Lou got her cooking lessons.
  17. He checked with Kyle for her availability, and then signed her up for the cooking lessons he one time heard her say she was interested in.
  18. That had to be over the $25 limit.
  19. This is bad. This is real bad.
  20. Rachel had Helen.
  21. She got Helen a star named after her.
  22. Helen is crying.
  23. There's an entire sun somewhere that's existed for millions of years that is now named after Helen.
  24. Each present has ended in a hug.
  25. Oh no, Jessica is going to hug me after I give her my gift, and it's going to be joyless and terrible.
  26. Keith is going to be so disappointed in me.
  27. Helen had Kyle.
  28. Oh no.
  29. Jessica probably has me.
  30. Please don't let Jessica have me.
  31. Helen got Kyle a wooden engraving of his favorite Walt Whitman quote.
  32. Bullshit Kyle has a favorite Walt Whitman quote.
  33. He's yelling to Rachel, "Remember! Remember! This is the quote I always say! Don't I say this all the time, Rachel?!"
  34. Let me see it.
  35. Says "Happiness, not in another place but this place...not for another hour, but this hour."
  36. Oh sick quote, bro.
  37. Don't blame Walt Whitman for the fact that you're a child, Chris.
  38. This is your fault.
  39. I didn't realize we were at the stage where we gave real presents.
  40. I'm trying. I really am.
  41. I brought wine this time.
  42. And, like, the second cheapest bottle, not even the cheapest.
  43. Maybe I can find something else to give Jessica?
  44. In her own apartment.
  45. Chris, you're not going to find a present for someone in their own apartment.
  46. Check your wallet. Maybe you have gift cards.
  47. I have a Borders gift card.
  48. Borders doesn't exist anymore.
  49. Would Jessica want my Staples reward card.
  50. No, right?
  51. Please, please, have me, Kyle. Don't let Jessica have me.
  52. Kyle had Keith.
  53. He probably got him, like, a car.
  54. Did Keith just say "ok, so this involves a little explaining."
  55. His gift has a preface.
  56. Any gift that has a preface is going to be amazing.
  57. He and Keith were skiing last February and they went to an antique store in Vermont where Keith saw this gorgeous wooden headboard, but he didn't buy it because he couldn't transport it on the bus. So Kyle rented a zip car the following weekend, drove up to Vermont, and bought it for Keith.
  58. We pulled names two weeks ago.
  59. Kyle has just been sitting on a gorgeous wooden headboard for months on the off chance he got Keith in Secret Santa.
  60. Jesus, that's an intricately carved headboard.
  61. Kyle snuck it in this morning while Keith was at the gym and put it in his closet.
  62. Yep, Jessica has me.
  63. Please, please, please just have gotten me like a whoopie cushion or something.
  64. Don't give a preface. Jessica just do it.
  65. Oh no, she started with "so I know for the longest time you just thought of me as your friend's girlfriend..."
  66. This is going to be sweet and nice and the worst.
  67. YES, JESSICA IN THE LAST YEAR OUR FRIENDSHIP HAS GROWN INTO IT'S OWN, AND OF COURSE, I VALUE YOU SO MUCH, I JUST REALLY THOUGHT WE WERE GIVING JOKE PRESENTS.
  68. "I feel the same way, Jessica."
  69. She handed me an envelope.
  70. That's good, right?
  71. You can't fit like a puppy in an envelope.
  72. Oh no.
  73. Don't cry, Chris.
  74. Tickets to the red carpet Star Wars premiere tomorrow.
  75. Of course she had to pull a lot of strings at work. This is amazing.
  76. Hug her.
  77. "Ok, so I had Jessica, and I didn't really realize we were giving, like, real presents this year."
  78. That really quieted up the room.
  79. "So, uh, I got like joke things."
  80. Lou just straight up left the room.
  81. Nobody wants to be here.
  82. I could really go without Keith's "Jesus, Chris."
  83. "So, here you go. There's a few things in the bag."
  84. "Yeah, that's a reindeer that sings Christmas songs when you enter the bathroom, but, like, with lyrics that are specific to, uh, going to the bathroom."
  85. Barrel through this, Chris.
  86. "And that's a slice of Domino's Pizza in a ziplock bag from my dinner last night."
  87. Just keep going.
  88. "That's a pamphlet some Scientologists handed me on my way over."
  89. Everyone is silent.
  90. "And that's, uh, a necklace I made you out of yarn and M&M mini tubes."
  91. She is unreadable.
  92. "Remember after Keith's concert that one time, when we drunkenly started eating M&M minis like they were shots, and we talked about how the tubes smell like chocolate forever, and you said you wanted a necklace of the tubes so you could smell chocolate whenever you wanted? We were pretty drunk. But that's what that's about. Anyway. I'm sorry."
  93. "Yeah, Jessica, of course I remembered that."
  94. She's hugging me.
  95. And I think she means it.
  96. She has tears in her eyes. She says this is the sweetest thing she's ever received.
  97. She's talking specifically about the necklace, I think, not the talking bathroom reindeer.
  98. I should not get away with this.
  99. Someone should tell Lou he can come back.